Innerworkings of a Mother's Mind

2011-11-24T06:59:00.003-05:00

I am still alive...

Life has just been insane...

I have 7 tattoos now!!!

Going to get my 8th in a few weeks!!!

This next one is one I am so excited about, but I will hold you in suspense until I get it to tell you what it is!!!

My kids are growing, Elijah looks 12!!!

Toodles...

Realizing Beauty...

2011-08-13T07:45:00.001-04:00

i am finally realizing my beauty, and now i am on the start of the road of true healing, i am coming back guys, slowly, but i am on my way...

2011-08-11T09:45:00.003-04:00

skies are crying, i am catching tear drops in my hands...

been through alot lately, stood up for my children and lost a friend, a friend i thought was my best friend.

i am sick of people trying to tear me down! they were only bringing us down, and they have said some pretty hurtful things to me now.......

i even tried to be the better person, got slapped in the face so to speak with words...

i am done now, my sanity and health is not worth this...

went to my doctor and we are getting more meds and i was diagnosed asthmatic now, had that when i was a child...

it is going to be a long journey out of the deep black hole i have found myself in.....but i am not alone, and will not be bullied into staying in the blackness........

missing all my 'root' friends, meaning the ones that have known me for years and years who are either abroad or just away...

the following song explains me:

2011-07-06T07:43:00.002-04:00

chaos could be happening all around me, or involving me, and i have this uncanny peace about it lately?

i kind of have this up yours attitude about life lately...maybe because i have been through so much since before christmas health wise?

it is refreshing, and also scary, because my whole life up until late has been one big worry ball...

i guess i just realize that i have nothing to loose but loads to gain...

i guess i just realized i need to get enjoying life and not worrying about how to live it, just live it...

i still need some work in some areas in my life, but i think we all do to some degree...

but i am honestly happy...and that is what really matters...

Adele performs 'Turning Tables' on QTV

2011-06-20T06:59:00.000-04:00

just being me...

2011-06-19T07:21:00.009-04:00

this is who i am now...nose pierced, 2 tattoos so far....got about 6 more planned...

and i occasionally enjoy a labatt blue!

people call it change.....i call it freedom!

tattoo #3 will be my left arm...it will say: if GOD is for US, Who can be AGAINST US?

tattoo #4 will be: the word LIBERTE across the back of my neck, meaning Freedom in French...

tattoo#5 will be: a fire phoenix on my left calf...

tattoo #6 will be: this scripture: He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2. it will be on my back.

tattoo #7: a rearing horse silhouette on my back...

tattoo #8: raphael/elijah/jayson's birth flowers above my dove on my right calf...

Also i plan to get my left eyebrow pierced....

i am definitely feeling free!

2011-06-12T13:15:00.002-04:00

i just wish that people would honestly just say what they mean, and ot what they think you want to hear! it is extremely annoying, and can take it's toll on one's emotions.....confusion is not my friend, and yet it follows me around....

when i love i love deep....and when people hurt me, you know that whole term the mighty shall fall, well i fall hard and my heart is often a casualty...

i am finally coming out of my chrysalis and i feel that i am being punished for it?!

i now have two tattoos, a nose piercing, and my hair was blonde streaks now i am a chesnutty brown...

i am going to be getting atleast 4-5n more tattoos, and my eyebrow pierced...

people think this means i have changed, but on the contrary i think i am finally myself now!

i think i am just realizing my freedom if that makes sense?

truly walking into it, embracing it...

but with new life, new realizations, comes pain...

comes people rising against me, threatening to damage loving relationships that i have built...

all because i stood up for mysef for once? make sense? nope, but to this heartless selfish individual it does apparently....

i find myself being afraid of just that lately, being myself!

how much power am i willing to hand this person? my answer should be none but...apparently i have given this person too much, well no more!

Sums it all up...

2011-03-16T09:06:00.002-04:00

Simon by Lifehouse........

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

(Chorus):
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

(Chorus)

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

(Chorus)

i am a firework!

2010-11-08T06:29:00.010-05:00

my life has changed alot.....and although some things are still painful...i feel damn good!

hmmm what have i been up to? well losing 45+lbs, cut my hair, embracing my curls that i once rejected!

and getting my nose pierced!!!

See:

plus taking up photography more than ever before...and dressing more like the me i f eel i am inside!!!

2010-08-14T08:59:00.002-04:00

it's time to try defying gravity...

a line from one of my favorite glee songs...***

i have changed indeed.....i am no longer that little girl who worries constantly, grant it i have my moments, but all in all i feel different when i wake up...

i even find myself fighting for friendships where as before i would just accept defeat and walk on and never know if i had fought what if you know...

i am keeping boundaries clear, and not doubting those boundaries...

basically in a nut shell, i am growing up, and growing into the person i was intended to be for a long time, but because of life experiences i was held back from acheiving that revelation and growth...

life is good...

2010-07-02T08:20:00.002-04:00

my physical pain lately has come back....my back the worst, and then my joints, especially my fingers and wrists...

had to resort to taking my pain medication for the first time in almost a year...

but if i must function i need it...

ugh...

yesterday i had some heavy duty chest pains, for those who do not know over the last few months i have succumb to chest pains, sometimes scary, stabbing kind...and it is not fun...

jay and others think it is brought on by stress....i agree....but to reduce stress is at times hard...

so i am going to see my doctor this month to talk about it all....

in the moments i feel my chest start to hurt it stops me in my tracks, i immediately stop and relax, pray, and wait it out...

i need to stop being so intensely emotionally connected to situations or people, how though...

hmmm...not sure if it is possible, when i love i am intense...

2010-07-01T06:08:00.002-04:00

here comes good bye......here comes the pain....

a few phrases from of my new fav songs, Here comes Good bye by Rascal Flatts...

it is a sad song, but not for me...i can not quite explain...

a favorite said line at the beginning is:

sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes...

i get that totally, my life really...

it seems i am always saying good bye to people i love, maybe one day they will be saying good bye to me, and not in a bad way...

i dunno...

2010-06-29T07:30:00.001-04:00

my throat hurts, hard to swallow, and my nose is weird..ugh!

then try to sing feeling like that...double ugh!

2010-06-27T14:00:00.002-04:00

2010 is definitely proving to be a year of eye opening experiences for me...

i almost fear that people who have not seen or been around me for a while may be shocked at my changes...

i feel like i am a dusty clay structure, and the water of the experiences are eroding away at me and molding me into who i am becoming...

alot of storms have been on the shores of my life lately....

hmmmm...

2010-06-19T07:20:00.002-04:00

my new favorite song lately is restored by jeremy camp...

he sings lyrics like `my heart is being mended by your touch`and `you have restored me from a feeble and borken soul`....
he has become my favorite singer....his testimony is awesome, and he is just simply a good man, and his wife is awesome too...

i am missing a certain friend lately, december is not coming fast enough...

this friend i find is just easy to be around you know, and i leave her feeling awesome, a B12 shot if i may say so lol.....sorry jo! lol!!!

ah well until then i shall garden lol!

i have mint now in my garden!

i am doing alright i suppose, tricia is here in town and we have been hanging out and it feels awesome to have her around and just be you know...

i can`t wait to have my first snow ball fight with hugh!!!

toodles...

2010-06-13T07:23:00.004-04:00

i am therefore i garden, and i garden therefore i burn!

i finished my gardens last weekend, one garden i have oregano, dill, rosemary, cherry tomatoes, acorn squash, and a cucumber plant that elijah has claimed as his...

my other garden has the following: red salvia, purple heliotrope, lily of the valley, blue irisis`,blue petunia`s, red impatients, sunshine colored snap dragons, dark red crimson lace, two orange hybrid lilies, and snow crystals...

i love my garden, i just have to put done some red cedar mulch and that is that, i want to get a few hanging baskets too but that will come later....notice no pink in my garden!

i keep my lawn really cleaned and organized, i am a bit ocd when it comes to that, weeding every night almost, i love it, it is very therapeutic for me!

soccer season has started now for elijah, he is so good at it too, he actually is a more aggressive player now, meaning he is not afriad of running up and going for the ball...

summer has arrived, elijah has like 6 actual days left of school, and next year he will be in grade 1...i finished unpacking their rooms entirely now, and it feels good to have things coming together here.... have nice neighbours, most nice days i am outside at my patio set soaking in all that i missed over those 8 gruelling years in that stuffy apartment...my kids run and play, and it makes me smile watching them, enjoying their freedom...

***wondering if it is possible to strech my arms right around the world to her...and hug her...

2010-05-17T17:02:00.002-04:00

so i am in my new home...and it is more awesome than i could of ever imagined!!!

i am sun burnt, and smiling alot, we have nice neighbours and i really could not ask for anything else...

i even got a free bbq! from a neighbour too!!!

well i am tired....ttyl!

2010-05-10T07:03:00.001-04:00

I am feeling surprisingly calm......

I had a moment yesterday, stress got to me, and after I felt complete peace...

This time a week from now I will be in my new home...

I wonder...

2010-05-09T06:28:00.002-04:00

Okay so my move date is not May 15th, it is the 14th.....

The last 3 days I have packed like crazy, making a goal of what or where to pack and attacking it head on...

I now find myself 90% packed....

Bittersweet really...

As I take things off the walls and pack away things, I find myself weeping at times...

8 years of memories here......lots of memories......

When I get weepy I feel so foolish or stupid, like a regular corn dog....but I can not help it...

I mean I am so done here, and have been for a long time, and now it does not seem real to me yet, when will it, when we are actually moving things out of here, or when the place is empty and I am alone in it taking one last look around......

I really do not know...

I am looking forward to sitting on my front porch and just taking it all in...

2010-05-05T07:52:00.004-04:00

So it is the end of an Era for me and my family....

I have tears welling up in my eyes at the moment...

Both Happy and Sad...

We are Moving! to a 3 bedroom Townhouse just over from us now, May 15th is the day, I have 10 days to pack, Ah!!!!

But it is so worth it!

As much as I want to leave, the sentimental part of me is struggling a bit, my boys took their first steps here, their first everythings...

Last night we packed up 75% of my living room, it felt good, today we go to sign the new lease and pay the transfer fee, then to ODSP and home and then to pack some more...

This whole situation was ordained by God, story to come later...

I am excited, and a tad stressed, but it will be okay...

Heard this song the other day and it calmed me, I use to hear it as a teen and ya, it was good then and now....

2010-04-20T06:31:00.003-04:00

I have been told lately that I have changed...for the good mind you but that I have changed just the same......

I just hope it is not too much for the loved ones I have abroad that will in months come home and see me...

I feel different...

Stronger even, more loved than ever in my whole 28 year span of life...

My mind feels very clear, especially right now as I make this revelation...

I also feel like it is about time for me to feel this way...

I really don't know 100% if that 'Frank Allard' is my real father, but I received a gift in our communication, I was finally set free from the bondage that my mother put upon me all those years...

Now I know there is alot still to work on, but it has been 4 months into this 2010 Healing year for me and wow!

I have learned to stop defining myself by how others interact with me or don't interact with me...

I have realized I can not change people if they think bad things of me, and there is no sense worrying about it because they are not wasting their time fretting at all...

I think I have put my past to rest, well I am atleast 85% of the way there...

I recently watched the movie 'Things We Lost in the Fire' and it was an eye opener, I may of lost alot in the fire that were my mother and stepfather, but I have gained so much more...

I have gained many realtionships that I consider closer than my actual blood relatives, God carefully placed certain people on my path at the right times to make up for all I lost...

And these people are so kind, and gentle, I have never been around people like that, that are just nice to be nice, not with an agenda you know...

I would be lying if I said I was not emotional at all about the people in my family who chose to turn their backs on me......

I think the only person that has done this that actually gets me choked up and feeling so sad and hurt is my Grandmother......She was my best friend and my rock when I did not know who the true 'rock' was, she made me feel safe as a child when she visited, but it is what it is as many say...

I fear the next time I see her we will be with the Father in Heaven...God be with me when and if I find out she has passed on...God be with me please...

I just hope the Father is proud of me...

I am just very thankful this morning, all the pain and suffering was worth it...

Okay.....that is all I am up for at the moment...

Blessings.

2010-03-23T08:42:00.001-04:00

I woke up like any other morning, and here I sit singing this song again...

I am thinking about everyone away right now...

Jo, Kaleena, Brian, Matt and Tamara, Erika, Katherine......

And how nothing feels like before anymore, and at times I feel like did it ever all really happen?

2010-03-15T06:46:00.002-04:00

My heart cried out yesterday after Church, literally...

I was missing you Jo especially...

Wished in that moment I could transport to where you and Hugh were...

I had chest pains, it was bad, alot of pain and stress boiled to the surface...

Someone we both know is causing alot of crap and it is affecting me no physically...

But God says 'Show Grace'...

I am tired of the lying, the manipulation, just tired of it all...

But we all know how much I love my boys, and what I would even put myself through for them...

The chest pains scare me.................trying to breathe...

Felt like this person has stabbed me over and over again, and laughed in my face...

I also feel like my other friend unintentionally threw me under the bus so to speak, by just saying 'Kelly doesn't want..." She should of said "We want..."

If I am so horrible why does she have me around?

Feeling like utter crap this morning...

Looking for distractions...

2010-03-07T05:38:00.001-05:00

2010-03-05T08:22:00.002-05:00

This Morning I made a choice, a choice I was unsure I had, and once I made it, immediate freedom came to my world....

This choice was hard for me, one of the hardest in my life...

I thought closure had to be granted to me, I did not know I could claim it...

Tears flowed when I did all this, my heart broke, but God's Enduring Promise was kept and I felt such warmth from the Father in that moment, and I was thankful...

The Healing, the Closure was in his hand waiting for me to take it...

Now for the next chapter to begin...

2010-02-26T06:02:00.002-05:00

I have never felt more awake in my life than I do this year so far...

2010 is definitely my year for alot of things, including clarity...

My "Bio Dad" has dissapeared now and it seems that well is dry now, but at a point where I should find myself utterly upset about it, I am surprisingly calm, and my heart and mind are clearer than they have ever been before...

I am not even sure if it was him 100%, but I was really awoken to the thought that I was allowing my entire past, the abandonment, everything define who I was today...

This may not be the freedom, closure I wanted in the beginning, but it is a pretty sweet deal...

I set out this year with 'goals' I do not buy into the New Year's Resolution stuff, but I set some goals, and I am keeping alot of them...

One in particular is that I write hand written letter to my friends all over the world, and I have enjoyed that time at night after the boys go to bed where I can loose myself with the pen and paper and just write down all my thoughts...

I am also letting my hair grow long, and though at times I just want to get it all cut off because it is at the akward stage, I resist and use my Straight iron and smiles are back, I even had joy the other day because I have a baby pony tail starting!!! LOL!

I am nto use to keeping promises to myself, other people yes, but not to myself at all!

I am also reading books! Yes I read ha ha ha!

I use to say all the time, oh I don't have time for these things because I have kids, but that now I see was alot of BS! You can have a healthy balance, and God does want us to keep promises even to ourselves...

I am even going to dinner and a movie tonight with one of my best gal pals April without the boys! Shocking I know!

The biggest promise I think I have made and is the most renewing of all so far is Allowing the love people have for me to actually sink in, you know? It was always hard to accept people caring for me and loving me, because for years I was deprived and had to beg for such love, and now when it is in great supply I am actually allowing myself to receive it, and all the Blessings that come with it...

My biggest downfall before was not feeling like I could ask for help, and now it is still at times hard, but God has really brought people in my life that I can truly count on, whether they be here or afar at the moment!

God is Good...

2010-02-11T06:49:00.002-05:00

My heart is literally breaking everyday...

Ever since that man contacted me, claiming to be my long lost Father...

He is letting his fear stop him right now, and my impatience is growing larger everyday...

I traced his IP to Alberta, and if I had the money I would go there and search him out...

But I don't...

For a man who said he wanted me so much, he lacks that now, and I am feeling still like that little girl sitting on her porch wondering if he is a good man really and going to come save me from Hell, the Hell I grew up in...

How can I stand here (well sit lol) and let this all define me, or make me feel this way?

I went almost 30 years without him, what does it matter to me now?

How can he shut me out even after I tell him he has Grandsons?

Or maybe I was that awful mistake years ago, and he now has the picture perfect family he always wanted.......

I really do not know what to think anymore...

I don't know...

2010-02-06T05:55:00.003-05:00

No more Miss Nice Kelly anymore....confidence needs to come, and I am pretty sure it has arrived...

I am tired and sick of being lost in the abyss while everyone else is in reality and aware and firm...

I am not a fragile being like they think...

They have no idea the strength that fortifies my foundation!

They mistake my silence for being passive and a push over...

But my silence is a result of their ignorance and my choice to not choose that battle...

I am tired of the enemy trying to bring me down...

It is time to wipe away the blood, the tears, and the sweat, and be the woman I have always been underneath...

I am annoyed with the judgment and the labels, the comments, and most of all the questioning of my beliefs...

Lord help anyone now in my path who tries, and I say tries, to bring me down or play games with me!

Enough of the Nonsense!

______________________________________________________

Jo just sent me this song, here are the Lyrics:

Less Like Scars - Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)

And more like
Character

2010-01-30T08:20:00.002-05:00

He has not e-mailed me in almost 2 weeks...

I am on this Quest for closure and healing...so why do I feel so sad all the time lately?

How come tears are just behind my eyes waiting?

Is it possible to feel this much pain and come out the other side of things in one piece?

How come it feels like I am basing what he is and she is on who I am?

I should know who I am? right?

Feelings I have currently:

-paranoia
-depression
-sadness
-weepiness
-insecure
-anger
-confusion

Feelings I hate in life:

-all of the above!

He did say he was going away.....I don't know anymore about anything...

It is one of the times in my life I am leaning 100% on God and going with his leading only, cause I am walking blindly...

Plus people and things are changing around me....I hate change, I resist it at all costs, I like being in my comfort zone...I am afraid that some of my best friends will change and it will be too different and scary for me...I hate feeling this way...but I know change must and will happen with or without me...

I miss all my friends whoa re abroad, Jo, Kaleena, Erika, Katherine, Tamara and Matt, even Tricia LOL!....

I am feeling really alone alot lately, I can be in a room full of people and feel like no one is there...

Weird huh...well it is my current reality...

If I did not have God not to mention my boys and Jay I would not be here right now, and that is 100% truth...

Feeling suffocated by the pain at the moment...

Defying Gravity

2010-01-16T09:11:00.004-05:00

"something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game"...

I have currently been watching a new show (well to me) called Glee, and I was youtubing it, and this song struck a huge chord in me...

My current situation is a bit chaotic, confusing, and emotionally draining on me...

This song made sense how I feel at the moment...

I have hope, that a healed and whole Kelly will come out of all this, but God never said it would be easy...

It is originally from 'Wicked' the musical.....I like this version better...

(in this episode they are having a sing off, and yes the boy messes up at the end, but I love this song, in particular the first line...)

I also like this verse alot:

"I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!..."

2010-01-11T08:14:00.003-05:00

The Latest in the Search for my Biological Dad...

Heard from someone in Hamilton about Gary, and they sent this:

---Oh he has read this ! Have no doubt of that lil girl. Whats to be done bout it is questionable at this time. Its not just about you and your father any more !!! And its not about just finding out about the other half of you. There is more halfs involved !! take care of yourself baby Kelly

After I e-mailed this:

---Who are you in all this?
How do you know if he has read this or not?
I know it was more than me involved, but I have a right to answers, I need closure...
I don't want him in my life, I do not want to disrupt his life, I need to see what he looks like, and ask a few questions, I don't want any money or anything in that nature...

Then they sent three words:

---Here you go--- and sent two pics of a man standing on a ferry at night, and I can not even make out facial expression etc...frustrating...

I then asked the following:

---Is that him? The picture is so dark? and How do you know it is him? Who are you? Do you have a clearer picture?

Then I asked:

---And how do you know you have the right Gary?
Please give me some answers, it is appreciated...

So I got another e-mail:

---Ok Kelly ok. lol I will answer a few questions for you. I am very close to Gary. I personally read the add to him. Yes there are more pics avail. Yes you have siblings you are not aware of. No Gary is not in Ont. I am not always online, and occasionally do not have service for months at a time. Often for days at a time... See More. That is true for Gary as well, of course Its been a long time, 27 yrs. and a lot of water has gone under the bridge. Be patient, I want nothing from you. what so ever. Time can be a cruel master. and in this particular instance is not unlimited. Gary has a few questions that he would like answers to. Why don't you talk with your mother ? how is gail ? You have married? And he would like your pic . take care Kelly---

So I e-mailed back:

Ok...

Who are you in relation to him? (this is imporant for me to know who you are)
And how do I know we are talking about the same Gary?... See More

Growing up my mother told me alot of lies and it was hell, so it has now made me a paranoid person, how do I know this is for real? How do I know you are genuine and not just her (as she has played games with me before) with a fake account?

But if this is for real...

May I have a clear picture of him?

Why do you guys not have internet all the time?... See More

This is what my mother told me about him, the only info I have ever had to go on:

That he physically abused her constantly, told her he wanted to have a baby with her and then after said he did not want me, she told me he tried to run her down in a car while pregnant with me, he once at my grandmother's house when she (my Nan) was upstairs told her he could kill her, my mom said she almost lost me a few times because of the abuse, she finally 'got away from him' her words, and had to fight for custody of me, when I was newborn she told me he came over and they were having an argument and he grabbed a glass bottle and came at me with it to kill me, and 15 years ago when she got married her husband adopted me and she told me that when it came time for Gary to sign papers he said and I am quoting her " as long as I do not have to pay you any back child support I will gladly sign her away"...

That is all I know about him, what she told me...

My mother now has MS, Multiple Sclerosis, and is married to a man who made my life hell....as well as she did, my childhood/teen life was not happy whatsoever...

I do not talk to her anymore because she all my life was emotionally abusive and controlling, and 3 1/2 years ago things 'went down' and... See More I decided it was best for me and my family to walk away, and in doing this my mom's whole side of the family and 'his' abandoned me, believing her lies and thinking that I am in a controlling relationship, which is so far from the truth and way off base, and yes I am married, 7 years this May, and he is an amazing, and supportive man through all of this, and has fallen victim to my mother's abuse, I also have two sons, Elijah and Raphael, Elijah is almost 5 1/2 and Raphael is almost 2 1/2...

Not talking to her has helped me finally break free and become the woman I am meant to be, not the woman she was trying to make me...

There is more but I am not comfortable just yet divulging, but will later...
... See More
I want to know if he has changed?
If he ever thought about me?
And why I was so easily forgotten or easily signed away?

A question for you:

What were you doing on Kijiji? and why were you looking in that category?

What do you mean: time is a cruel master and in this particular instant is not unlimited...?

Do you mean that because of the varying internet access? or is he ill?

I do not want to disrupt his life, I just finally need closure, all my life I felt like I was a mistake, and abandoned, and easily forgotten, all in which had led me into alot of issues, I just want truth, and that is all...

To know I have siblings brings me comfort because I grew up alone, my mother made sure I was always alone, making the outside world seem so horrible compared to how she was treating me, it has been a blessing to break free from that...

As for a picture of me, I do not have one accessible yet but will...... See More

You know sometimes when I was a kid and life was really bad I would find myself wondering about him and if he was really like she said, and I would pray that he would come rescue me from her...

See when most parents were protecting their kids from monsters in the closet or under the bed, my "parents" were those very monsters, I never felt safe with them...

Just thought I would tell you that.

Kelly.

Then I received this:

---Dear Kelly or Gail, Gary sat down and wrote a reply to you , that adressed every single solitary question you asked. and then some. Including copy of your original birth certificate, copies of court documents, photos of you when you were just a baby, And then Gary thought about your question. How do you know this is not ... See Moreyour mother ! And then Gary thought to himself , How does he know you are not really Gail ? And so it was decided to save that reply for the moment. its just a click on the send button away. If this is your mother , you know perfectly well Gail !! That Gary never signed any consent to an adoption, and that Gary refused.to do so. Gary was in court and granted acess 4 times.. Gary wanted Kelly ! So this is another of your ploys Gail. Don't you ever quit trying to hurt me ?
You really are pathetic Gail.

And then I replied this:

---I am not Gail, I am Kelly Tench currently residing in Kingston Ontario, this is not her, I have not spoken to her since 2006..two days ago my Aunt Mary whom I have not talked to either found my ad posted in Belleville and threatened me that I had originally put Hobbs after Gail and that if I did not take the last name off I would be reported, and then she told me she called her and I go so mad at her cause I do not want her to know my business....I can send you a picture of me if that helps, but I really want to know my answers....I have attached a picture of me and my husband on the day my son Raphael was born, it is in the operating room.....

How was the adoption carried through then? My last name was changed?

I hope you believe me, I have waited 28 years for these answers (I just turned 28 in November)......

If you would like my husband Jayson Tench can e-mail you?
I am going to forward this to my husband as well...

And please tell me who you are? and has my mother hurt you as well before?

I am now waiting for a reply, hoping and praying for God's hand to be on this...

Lots of unanswered questions...

2010-01-10T06:49:00.002-05:00

For those who are unaware, I am in a current search for my biological father...

I posted an ad in kijiji, in Belleville, Hamilton, Kitchener, London, and Kingston...

Hoping anyone had heard of Gary Creighton...

See I only know his name and the rough estimate of his age and when he and my Mother were together...

So I posted these Jan 1st...God has called me to have this be my year of closure...

I get the following message yesterday:

We all know your not Talking too ur mom Kelly But You should not publicly oprint her Last name on Kijiji without her permission... good luck in ur search. Mary ps you need edit this ad and just say Gail no needd for our last namer or U will be reported!

--I have an Aunt Mary, my Mom's sister...so I write back this:

you should really ask yourself what would make me not talk to her anymore?

She replies:

Kelly Kelly Kelly... I did not write too you too argue any rights or wrongs.... Life is far too short...

I reply:

so you are my Aunt?

She says:

Yeah Guess so lol Thank you for Taking off the last name Again I Wish you Luck!!! in your Search

----I am at this point thinking oh ok, so no how are you? and what made you suddenly not talk to your Mom? or I miss you...

I say:

If you know anything I ask you to please tell me...

She says:

In total Fairness I know Nothing All I know Abt him is what I knew before you were Born.. I was the One who went up and brought your mom home after he beat her silly >>> maybe he has changed any how I will honour wish and Not email you...

Aunt Mary

I then say:

Do you know how old he was, when they were together compared to her? or his birthday? please Aunt Mary, I need to get this over with and in my past..

She then says:

I called ur Mom just now and She says she has ALL his contact info and- You know what too do...See I never bothered over the years so I am no help....Your Mother is only one has ALL the info you need too get ahold of garry .

Aunt Mary ... I do wish you luck and remember Kelly Life is TOO short...

----She called my Mom!, read carefully, she said my Mom said that, and the 'you know what to do' is so my Mom...

And how convient it is that my Mother has the only info I need, can anyone say the enemy not wanting me to succeed, and trying to give me an easy out, but their is a price, so I am not going to go that route cause it is BS anyway, my Mother's games....

I cried alot yesterday, but a friend who is good at looking for people gave me encouragement and ideas, she also raised a question, why was my Aunt in Kijiji in that section? hmmmm???

I do believe that my Aunt knows more than what she is saying to me of course, and right now my Mother probably thinks she has the upper hand and probably is also furious I am looking for him....

I also said to my Aunt that I loved her and my Nan (grandmother) and the family and that would never change, but my Mother gave me no choice....

She never responded back after her last e-mail and I do not expect to hear from her again, I felt such rejection, it was hard, but I am not about to let 3 1/2 years of progress with the Lord and healing go out the window though...

So head up and onward I do, no regrets, and no looking back...the enemy only wants to pull me down...

2010-01-05T07:55:00.002-05:00

I am beginning to think I am at some sort of crossroads in my life...

Yes I know I am only 28 so this may seem a bit early for this but I don't think so...

For the last week I have been in a daze most days, a stand still in my mind sort of...

I mean usually my mind is busy, chaotic even....but lately not so much...

And the whole feeling I have is a stand still kind of feeling...

Almost like I am in the eye of the storm, where it is eerily quiet and calm...

In fact if I close my eyes I can see myself in that place, the eye of the storm, grayness all around me, and that eeriness...yet calming...

I sat in coffee hour at church and was in this daze, it felt like colored blurs going by me, and the chatter was like white noise to me, and I was there but not, make sense?

And I was irritable as well but mostly in my own world...

What this all means I have not yet come to the conclusion yet, but I am sure God will reveal all in due time...

The following song has really affected me since I first heard it on New year's Day:

2010

2010-01-01T07:02:00.006-05:00

Happy New Year!

I woke up this morning with the song 'Fireflies' by owl City in my head...

I was happy, and ready to face this New Year...

This year for me is all about trying new things, having more confidence, and find out truths about myself and my life in the past, which include finding my biological father, something that terrifies me but I need to have some final closure about...

Here is a list of what I do not call resolutions but my goals:

-get my Diabetes in order
-go to dentist
-go to physio for my back
-continue the search to find my biological father
-save money each month for surprise in the Fall
-do more correspondence non-electronically
-stop eating chips etc
-actually go on a date with my husband minus kids
-grow my hair out and grow it long
-take my kids to a picnic on wolfe island
-go square dancing minus kids
-actually go on my first trip to a corn maze
-go to woodenheads again
-get a tattoo?
-sing more
-move into a bigger apartment
-go for more mani/pedi's
-try to stop apologizing all the time for being me
-have more confidence
-make an edible carrot cake
-make my top 30 to do list before I am 30
-try creme brule
-help people more than I already do

And usually every year I think of a prayer, so here goes:

Dear Lord,

Please allow mercy and grace over me and my family and those whom I love this new year...Give me strength to stand on my two feet and be confident, remind me of my goals when I conviently forget, and hold me accountable...I can not do anything on my own concerning my health Lord, please place your hand on me in that area and help me stay committed to taking better care of myself..and if I am meant to find my biological father I know you will open doors and if not I know you will close those doors and heal me of that so I can finally move on...Be with my friends who struggle financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and be with those who suffer from addictions in multiple forms...Be with my Husband as he suffers daily, and I thank and Praise you for making both my boys so compassionate towards others, and making them in some cases a light in the darkness with certain people, thank you for surrounding me with loving people that are nto afraid of my life and all the busyness and sometimes emotional rawness it has...Thank you for never leaving us last year and for your enduring promise that you will always be here regardless...I pray you bless all whom I love this New Year and continue to remain with them and give them strength to face whatever, and if whatever crosses their path...Be with all whom I love that are scattered across the earth, and let them know that we love them and think of them always...Thank you for another great year, a year of reflection and healing as well as thanksgiving, and thank you for being ever present, and Lord give us strength to pursue you even more, and indulge in your word, and make your will known, we love you Lord, in your Holy name, Amen.

Hugs and Love to All, Here is that Song now...

Will Not Repeat History!

2009-12-23T07:11:00.004-05:00

A verse in a song I love says this:

"Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?..."

I can only count a handful of moments where I have done so....

Yesterday I was transported back in time....it started with me waiting for Brenda to be done in the bank right next to the Skating Rink in the Square...

See when I was a kid my parents did not care if I skated or not, and thought it was wasteful to buy me skates, and well at school when the class would go outside and skate I would have to sit on the side and just watch, they did not let us go on with just our boots on...

So anyway there I was yesterday watching people skate while waiting for Brenda, and I was sent back to that moment...and it all reaffirmed in me that I want to be everything my parents weren't, I mean never hold them back in moments like those, and always encourage my boys to reach for the sky, I was raised pretty much being told to just reach for the ceiling, no higher of course, well not me I am always going to encourage my boys to reach the unreachable!

It is funny you know whenever I am at Mark and Brenda's or out with them and I literally discover something that basically every other human has normally discovered it makes me laugh and roll my eyes, and Mark usually is like "ok Kelly let me introduce you to some new things today!" He means this all in good fun because he knows my childhood and growing up my parents kept me close to them and away from alot of experiences, and here is a few:

-Basking n' Robbins was not discovered until I was in my 20's
-Wendy's the same thing
-My first Sugar Bush Trip was after I had kids
-First trip to the zoo was 2 years ago
-I only had Rice Roni for the first time a few months ago, and hamburger Helper like 2 weeks ago
-First Ferry Ride was after I moved here for College
-Tried Mexican/Indian etc food only after I met Jayson

Jayson was the Catapult into my experiencing new things especially....Duh...

So this song is for him, because he showed me "A whole new World"...

2009-12-21T06:11:00.004-05:00

I had a bad dream last night, I was at Brenda's and Mark's and was in pure happiness and joy...

The Christmas Spirit was awesome...

Then the phone rang..........................

And that is when the pain, sadness, and agony started....

It was a call to tell me something bad happened to Jayson...

He had decided to go out to get me a gift while I was out for the day......

And he had fallen, and got hit by a car, and in that instant my joy and happiness was snatched from me and my boys.....

I fell to the floor crying hysterically.....I was screaming but no sound came out...it was an intense and sad dream...

I do not think people realize that everyday I watch him suffer, and do people get what that is really like? to watch their loved one constantly suffer?

The feeling of helplessness is my state always, because I can not though I want to, take it away, the pain I mean....

People call me strong, phew! It is all God people, at times I feel utterly weak, sometimes I do not know if I can make it past an hour let alone a day...

I was really shaken by that dream, and how intense it felt...

People do not understand our love, and that is my opinion, but really when Jay is away from me I literally feel incomplete, like half of me is gone.....and it is not a nice feeling...

He was my best friend first and I think that has alot to do with the intensity of how I feel about him, and then just the life experience's in the past 10 years of knowing each other...

I personally think for people our age, well for the things we have been through, ya it is alot and intense...

If anything happened to Jay well not to speak death in to the air, but I think a part of me would die with him and I would never bounce back nor be the same ever again...

Couples sometimes ask each other if they would ever marry again if death took one of them, and for me I say no because there is only one Jayson, and to even fathom ever making that connection with anyone else? I can not conceive it, I mean it would have to be big time God in my face and his will totally, but my answer is no...I am a very committed woman, and loyal even in death...

The saddest thing is if Jay did die, I am awfully alone here then, I mean I have friends etc, but I know me also, and I shut down in times like that....

I just pray for mercy if that ever happened, and peace for my boys, they love their Daddy so much...ya....

This Song I Love:

2009-12-20T06:00:00.002-05:00

Funny how sounds, smells, and tastes trigger things in us from days gone by...

At Christmas time that is always so concentrated for me...

For example, to share with you...

The smell of mandarins/clementines takes me back to my childhood and the Church that is about 15 feet from my house in the country, one smell of a rind and I am back there, they always gave us treat bags at Christmas and those tiny oranges would be in there...

When I did not feel like I belonged anywhere in the world that Church held a space just for me where I did matter and belong even if it were only for a short while...

I fit in with people sometimes three times my age, the congregation was a mere 15 people, I being the youngest, and most of the time the only one under 40...

I was in the Choir, we were all of 6 people and the organist, and the pastor, being sometimes only a handful of people in the Church...much different now to the Church I go to, at my service alone over a 100 go now...a big difference from years ago, and of course to be fair I am in a city now...

You know as I look at my kids and how they are and how I feel about them, and how we are making traditions and memories, I find myself sometimes crying for the child I was then, and yes there is a slight bit of anger and I think there always will be, my childhood was not good, I had to sometimes steal my moments, and most of the time I was alone in those moments, in my little world....

and I shouldn't of ever felt that way that is my main point...

So what do I do now? well I do not repeat history in my children that is the point of it all!

I chose this video clip from my favorite movie, her dance is so expressive, and such sadness, and self torture almost, being pulled in all directions, and she has such passion and determination, it inspires me...

She dances the way that I feel most days...if that makes sense?

2009-12-08T07:14:00.003-05:00

I have decided enough is enough...

The stress, the feeling of being suffocated it coming to an end...

Not saying it will not be hard to avoid, it will...

But if I do not do this, I mean stand up and finally say no then forget about my living ever normally...

or at all really...

Today I intend to play in the snow...laugh until I cry...and just be like a kid again...

When I was a kid I would escape from the world in my back yard and play endlessly in the snow by myself...and I would forget all the burdens that laid around me then...

Christmas was always therapeutic for me growing up...

It still is...

So today I embrace the cold, and wet, and say hello to that little girl I once was a long time ago...

Be Blessed to Bless!

2009-12-06T05:52:00.001-05:00

Do you hear what I hear?

Do you feel it?

It is pure electricity in the air....

It is called Christmas!

2009-11-30T20:24:00.003-05:00

Alone

Darkness

A Clifftop

Crashing Waves

Eroding

I am that Clifftop next to the Sea...

Salty waters come and take part of me away each and every day...

Why am I not protecting myself?
How did I let it get this bad?
How can I get back all that they have taken?

The Eroding hurts, the salt in my wounds stings...

Waves keep crashing on me, I can not stop them...

I do not know how anymore...

I am in complete surrender mode...

I am drifting away each day, each day a little of me goes, carried away by those fierce waves, and soon there will be nothing left for them to take...

Do I just give in?
Admit defeat?
Feel Release?
or
Fight?

I am not sure of anything anymore lately...

2009-11-30T06:55:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up feeling alright but my mind was racing...

We have to get the tree up this week, I have loads of things to do...ugh!

Where is my robot to do it all for me?

I have been feeling discouraged lately, like I am wasting my time having certain friends around me who make me feel bad about myself, I mean last week I had one friend tell me to drop another because it was an 'unhealthy' friendship, but she makes me feel bad too ugh! As if!

I do not want to waste my time feeling bad all the time, and sometimes being questioned for my integrity because I have such friends....

One factor in all of this....is that I love all of them very much, even in spite of their acts...

So I am at a stand still and crossroads...

On another note...I think I have lost a bit of weight because most of my pants are feeling looser than ever on me, but I am not counting on it as I am in that respect a bit of a pessimist...

I love this time of year, I am already starting to feel the magic in the air, it is purely electric, holy spirit magic of course...

2009-11-26T07:47:00.002-05:00

It is funny how things change, how people change really, how we evolve as we grow up...

When I was a little girl my Mother worked as a Maid for a Hotel in Belleville, and sometimes I had to go with her...

The Hotel (not sure which one) was in front of some woodsy area, and at night when it was pitch black out and as my Mother was getting me ready to leave I would take off on her into this pitch black woodsy area, no fear, no feeling at all except I wanted to run and hide from her...

Ask me to do that now and well you would hear a quick No!

I am not afraid of the dark, it is just something about that that I do not want to venture into...

Hmmm venture into the great unknown, into the dark alone, sound familiar?

As Children we have no fear in those circumstances, we are taught fear, or atleast I was taught to fear, especially by my parents...Others are taught through experiences etc...

*laughs nervously*

When all other parents were protecting their children from monsters under the bed or in the closet, my parents were those very monsters in my reality...

And no I am not exaggerating, and that my friend is the saddest thing, I really wish i could say I was exaggerating, that I am just a bitter 20 something year old gal who has it out for her folks, but the sad truth is that what I am saying is the truth...

And let me make it clear I am not saying any of this for sympathy, or pity, it is cleansing for me to admit to this truth, because for years I had been lying to myself that it was not that bad, but it was, and so this blog serves as my outpost of stuff so I can heal...

The other night I was at a friends house for dinner, and her husband was outside in the back yard with the kids, we were busy making dinner and I heard a knock on the front door, so I yell that I am going to check it, and I open the door to the boot room and then proceed to the front door, I open it and no one and then WHAM! and SCREAM! The husband lunges out at me, I screamed and turned around took two steps and face in my hands I was paralyzed in fear and sobbing uncontrollably.....

I was taken back to a place that I wanted to forget, I never thought I would react that way at all, it was unexpected and a reminder that certain wounds are not closed yet...

See my cousins use to torment me and do that, I being the youngest, and sometimes throw cats on me, scratching my face, but what I did not tell them that night after my fright was I was also take back to my different moments of abuse with my parents in that moment, that same fear that caused my heart to thump almost out of my chest was similar to the fear I felt around my parents......

It took a while that night but my heart slowed but it took a long time...
This all coming from a girl who once was so fearless...

This brings me to the point that I think alot of you will not understand...

I feel alone everyday, especially in moments like that, I mean I know we all have our pain and our own past, but really I believe no one gets what I went through and continue to go through on my own...

Or if they really understand the constant struggle I bare?

I mean I love my family, and will do anything for my boys, my love runs incredibly deep for them and Jayson...but, ya here comes the BUT...

It all often means that I have to numb myself in order to keep on keeping on as I say...

Not sure if you can makes sense out of it but that is how I feel...

In the previous post is a song that describes me take it with a grain of salt though...

2009-11-24T07:29:00.004-05:00

Lyrics

I'm not a stranger,
No I am yours,
With crippled anger,
And tears that still drip sore.

A fragile flame aged,
Is misery,
And when our hearts meet,
I know you see.

I do not want to be afraid,
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in,
I'm tired of feeling so numb,
Relief exists I find it when,
I am cut.

I may seem crazy,
Or painfully shy,
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden,
If you would just look me in the eye,
I feel alone here and cold here,
Though I don't want to die,
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside.

I do not want to be afraid,
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in,
I'm tired of feeling so numb,
Relief exists I find it when,
I am cut,
Pain,
I am not alone,
I am not alone...

I'm not a stranger,
No I am yours,
With crippled anger,
And tears that still drip sore.

But I do not want to be afraid,
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in,
I'm tired of feeling so numb,
Relief exists I found it when,
I was cut.

********************************************

The above song is both scary and beautiful...

Often as I am seen....and that is my opinion...

I use to actually cut myself when I was a teenager...

Now if I get a paper cut I whine, even ask Jayson...

Today Is November 24th, and exactly 9 years ago I took a step forward with Jayson, in Faith and Love, and we started to date on this day...

I was a scared girl then, 19 and scared of being hurt again, rejected, and in the warmth of Jayson's arms I found my life, my safety, and through him 2 exact months later I became a Christian (Jan 24th)...

I'd hate to admit it, but 50% of the time I am still that scared girl, the source (s) of fear of just changed...

Alot of the above Lyrics still hold some sort of truth in my life, but I am working on it, slow and steady I am with the Father's help...

Then Sings my Soul........

2009-11-20T07:44:00.005-05:00

I am at odds with myself, and this is an everyday thing...

I think I spend too much time worrying about my being so emotional, and intense...

And I beat myself up alot about talking alot in conversations, and well everyday I am reflecting when honestly I want to just be...

But I also know this is all God's process to heal me from two decades of mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse...

And the more I sit here and think of it the more angrier I get at my parents and then myself, at myself more because I do not want to think about the past at all...

Maybe I get angry cause I feel abandoned by my whole entire family? or am I disappointed?

Maybe it is because Christmas Season has come and I desperately miss my Nan...*sniffs*

I miss her smell, her smile, her hugs, the way she loves to feed you as soon as you walk in the door, watching her do her devotions all curled up in bed, and the way she just by her presence made me feel so safe and loved...

She is the only other Christian in my family, when she found out I had accepted Christ into my life she wrote me a letter telling me how she prayed for me everyday of my existence and that I would one day know Christ as she did....*sniffs*

Now lies and hatred have claimed possession over her (My Mother) and told her not to contact me or they will not help her anymore, and she depends on them alot...

And I will not contact her because of that reason and a few others...

The last time I saw her was Mother's Day 2006...it was a good day, my parents and I took her out in Belleville to a restaurant for dinner with my Aunt and Uncle and Elijah (Jay was at home in Kingston) it was a good day, her and I cuddled in the car on the way over, we giggled and joked around, and had a good dinner, she looked so beauitiful, her face so bright and warm, after we dropped her off and she had tears in her eyes (she always did whenever we parted for a while) and we kissed and hugged, more like squeezed each other and I remember feeling like I did not want to part from her, and then well in August that year it all went down with my folks and ya....have no seen or spoke to her since Mother's Day 2006...............*sniffs*

Everytime we sing an old school song in Church like Amazing Grace or How great Thou Art I get a bit choked up, semi suffocating feeling because I remember when I was a little girl and she would take me to Church and how when she sang she held me in her arms and to me that was my Heaven on earth....makes me cry remembering it, I try to keep all this supressed, to protect myself in a way.....*sighs*

I wonder if she ever really knew the Love I had and have for her, and how she was my Best Friend, my everything......

Maybe I get so angry because I feel like the enemy has truly won, and I am in constant reminder of what was taken from me on my day of independance?

I don't know right now...*sighs*

My Nan with Elijah 2006:

For you Nan:

2009-11-19T06:17:00.003-05:00

This Morning I woke up and felt at odds, but 50% of mornings I feel that way anyways...

The smell of Pine and Snow I long for...hoping it snows soon...I love how I feel around Christmas...

We will be putting up our tree soon and I am excited for endless nights of staring into the twinkle...

Looking forward to my Christmas Eve tradition of sprawling all gifts and wrapping paper etc on the floor and popping in my favorite movie White Christmas and drinking hot chocolate and eating baking and wrapping my gifts and placing them around the tree...

Also I look forward to listening to one of my favorite songs 'Oh Holy Night', also watching Christmas Shoes on the W Channel around Christmas too!

I love to also reflect on the year that has passed before me, and thank God for all my Blessings...

This is the song from the Movie Christmas Shoes, have a box of Kleenex to hear this, and even to see the movie.....Jayson gets really emotional when seeing the movie or hearing the song, can anyone guess why?

2009-11-16T13:04:00.004-05:00

I am still alive, in case any of you were wondering...

I have been going through alot of emotions these past 6 days...

I have come to a realization, I am quite angry inside, and it is festering...

The anger is there due to my own self too to boot!

I am angry at myself...

I feel like I am a ball of problems emotionally, and physically...

And that on top of all else is very frustrating...which causes me to feel the emotion I hate most and that is indeed 'Anger'...

I am angry mostly cause I try to change and help myself and I fail endlessly...

We shall see I suppose...

2009-11-10T06:20:00.004-05:00

My mood is still the same as my last post...

Last night I felt a tightness in my chest again, on reminiscent of last year this time and the two years before that as well....

For the last few years at this time of year I have gotten a respiratory infection/cold thingy...
It leaves me struggling for breathe, and very cranky, as I am a busy Mommy and do not like to feel slowed down at all...

So we prayed against it of course, and today I will drink tea and probably neo citran...

Wednesday I embark into my bedroom, also known as the Tench Black Hole of stuff and hopefully can make headway and get it in shape...

Been looking for a long dresser and may of found one for 25.00 on Kijiji, I am still awaiting the reply from the owner about arrangements and confirmation of the price etc etc...

Jayson and I have so much in terms of clothing I need to contain it in my room....

This past weekend I over extended myself big time, but it is ok, I do not do it often so...
It left me literally comatose yesterday as Elijah was in school, I did not do anything and barely moved off of my couch, and watched Doodlebops over and over, Raphael's favorite DVD right now...

The only productive thing I did was fill out all his cookie dough stuff and get that ready, and shop in the Scholastic flyers for Christmas things for little people I love...

Elijah raised 203.50$ for his cookie dough etc stuff too!!!!

I ordered the White Chocolate Cherry and am excited about making it when I get it!!!

Parent Conference is soon too, and Parent Council Meeting as well, wow I guess I am a busy Mommy....

I just want to be the Mother that is involved in what my Kid is doing and have a say as well, I mean I could not just sit back on the sidelines it is not me....perhaps because my Mother didn't care motivates me to care...

Last night I was in a situation where I was brought to tears very easily, someone lied about me and well it struck a nerve in me, and brought back memories from the past, when someone did the same thing and the person they told the yarn to abandoned me permanently....

It hurt back then as it did last night as well, but this time the friend who had the yarn told to stayed, she did not waiver, she did not accuse, or scoff at me...it was refreshing, and best of all she understood my frustration and hurt, and my tears were allowed.....

I am better this morning put it that way.......

If you know me by now you know liars and me, well we do not mix, and it is my #1 thing I can not stand about someone...I will pray, and for now be silent...

2009-11-07T07:15:00.002-05:00

I think I will always feel this way...

I am content with my life, blessed, but there is this bit of dark cloud around me...

It seems to make people leave or stay away...but I no longer care anymore...

Until you know my pain, where it branches from, to fully know, to understand, to get it, you have to no be afraid of me...

Not afraid of a little blood shed, a little rawness...

Know if you are my friend I am the most loyal, I love you unconditionally, I protect you, I am there 1000%...

My Past is full of alot of pain, but in turn it has made me more compassionate to others, it makes me love deep, but I am the first to admit at first I fear closeness, the allowing of someone into my comfort zone...

When we are wounded it takes time to heal, and when you have been wounded for many years, it does not heal in a single moment, in some cases the Lord can do it, but in most he takes us on a journey first, to find ourselves again, the selves that he intended for us to be...

I wait for the day where I have the freedom to scream and yell and cry until I can not anymore...

I can't right now...I restrain myself for the sake of my kids, Jay, my friends, and maybe even myself really, afraid of what would be unleashed in that very act...

It is always there with me, that burning to explode, and at the same time tears are probably always behind my eyes, but I just can't right now...

I do have moments where I crumble, lay crumpled up on the bed and remember all that I have lost, and the anger makes me cry, sob even, the unfairness of it all makes me more angrier...

If I lacked the Lord, Jayson, and my boys I would worry about me, about my life, about what I could do...but I have all that, and with the Lord's help I am on this what seems like forever Journey and I am waiting...for the release, the end, the answer, it is just getting to that answer that is the hardest part of all....

So here I sit, pretty much afraid of my own major emotions that i have locked up inside, trying to maintain 'soccer mom' persona...

Then when I tell everyone I am happy even so, they look at me strange?.......

I don't get it either, but I am in love, and have faith, and ya but ugh...the dark cloud is there, and for as long as I can remember I have always had it there over me, even when I was a child...

I long for that Sunny Day, Clear Skies...I do...

My Day!

2009-11-04T21:04:00.004-05:00

Today was my day to be pampered and I have never had such a day...

April and I set out to go to the Cat Mall and get Mani/Pedi's and lunch out to celebrate both of our Birthday's...

We got to the Mall, and got a locker for some of our things...

Headed to L.A. Nails and Bliss began...

I sat in a massage chair and my feet soaked and were worked on and rocker purple painted on, and then I had a blissful and calming manicure and the people there were so nice to me, so gentle, I did not feel any pain at all...

April and I talked and relaxed, she tricked me by hitting the 'seat' button on the remote for my chair and my bum was massaged and I called the one tool the woman was using a cheese grater and never saw April laugh so hard, she knows the proper name and can tell you if you want to know LOL!

After I wore the Spa shoes around the Mall to let my 3 coats on my toes dry...

We got a Fruity drink at Freshly Squeezed, I got the Mango Raspberry, April the Blueberry Banana, and we wandered aimlessly around the Mall...

We discovered edible board games at Lara Secord, super cool, we watched CKWS in the middle there doing something.....and then found ourselves under the sky light dining on yummy pizza and talking about everything and anything...

After that we skimmed through Zellers, particularly the Christmas Section, and I bought myself a Pumice stone thingy...

I must say after my Spa experience I am a Pedicure Junkie! I had such a high, a sudden revelation that I do deserve some comforts, I mean I am on them alot and I do alot for my kids, 25.00$ a month for a Pedicure is not much at all, and will allow me to get my feet well and with Diabetes I should really take care of them!

It felt good to relax and it made me appreciate my kids a whole lot more than I already more...

We got back and April left shortly after, I got Elijah off the Bus along with our neighbor's daughter Emma and she came over for a Play date and dinner, Raphael crashed shortly after dinner and then I took Emma home, in turn Elijah was invited to pizza and play Saturday at her house...Elijah is excited I mean just say Pizza and he is there...

It was such a nice day, I needed it, so did April, I am now recruiting anyone who wants to join me in December, it really is nice to have someone to go with and 25.00$ not bad at all...

It cost me 40.00$ in all too not bad whatsoever!

One funny moment is when I thought I saw April tip her guy 6.00$, so I tipped my girl 5.00$ and anyway I told April later about that and she laughed and said no I tipped him 2.00$ LOL...

Here I thought I was being sly and following suit and ya! LOL!

DQ Cake is now gone :(

I will survive....

Yesterday I got my Australian call and that recharged me as well, and I guess this year my Birthday did not suck...not at all!

I am so Blessed!

Oh and I came to a realization that I am OCD, and came to this conclusion with April and Jayson.......hmmmmmmm....need to pray on that a bit.....

Here is a song that best describes April and I today!

2009-11-02T20:12:00.004-05:00

Here I am on the Eve before my 28th Birthday...

This picture was taken when I was about 4-6 months I would say...

When I was born I was a premee, born 2 1/2 months early...

My Mom said then that I couldn't wait to get into this world...

I am sure if I knew then what I know now I would of been more patient...

Gosh look at that face...that little girl has no idea about anything, or how she got here...

I am having a hard time even being excited about my Birthday...

I have a Mother who has turned her back on me, and really has never loved me...

My Biological Father beat my Mother senseless alot, and especially while she was pregnant with me....

My Mom hemorrhaged a few times and almost lost me...

My beginning was hard I would admit, and also I would wonder how my end is going to be then???

LOL...

I have a hard time connected to my past, I do not know if that is weird...

But I am just not that little girl in the above picture anymore, and I have not been for a while now...

Sometimes I think God wanted me here bad enough, I mean my Mom almost lost me twice, and had me really early, and I am here...almost 28 years later...

Can someone feel so full and content in life and empty at the same time?

Cause I feel that way...

Well... 2:45am is when I was born, and on a Tuesday!!!

Happy Birthday to me I suppose...

Birthday Prayer/Wish for my 29th:

That I feel much better than I do at this very moment!

Here is an odd video, Love the song, video is really odd...

2009-11-01T08:05:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was Jayson's Birthday, it was nice, except for the horrendous rain storm that took up 85% of the day...

Had a Spaghetti Lunch with the Windatt's and some Black Forest Cake, and then they were off and poor Raph napped immediately, he was a tired little boy...

Today is Church, and rest maybe?

Went to the DOC Friday, I had gone out to get groceries and when I got back before my appointment they had called and left a message saying they needed to reschedule for 3:45pm, rather than my nicely scheduled 11:45am....

I called and she said 'oh actually 3:45pm does nto work and enxt week is booked and..." and I had a bird, I explained to her the urgency of my going in and she told me to come right n and they would squeeze me in, this pleased and annoyed me at the same time, because I wanted to shower etc for my appointment (something I have always done before appointments) and anyway I got there and waited 30 minutes...

My Doc finally came in and examined me and the following is what is what:

(My left leg, the calf part and three toes had gone numb for now 2 1/2 months)

-I have another nerve being pinched
-my discs are not in good shape
-she wants me to go to Blaser's for Physio for atlest 2 months
-if no change then I need surgery....
-I also have to go to St.Mary's for a 'study' lol...
-She also said that they would have to put in the breathing tube, if I need surgery I mean, while I am still awake, which terrifies me more than ever...
-she also noted that I have lost strength in my left leg, she is worried because of ehr bonehead receptionist not getting me in way before now that I may have permanent damage...

She gave me new meds, and I have to go get blood work for my Diabetes cause I am now for the first time in my life having dizzy spells etc...

Lovely isn't!!!

Anyway...that is that...

Toodles...

2009-10-30T07:37:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is Jayson's 31st Birthday!

And three days later I turn 28....shhh don't tell no one, as the other day I was mistaken for much younger, and in my opinion too much younger...lol.....the person thought I was an underage Mom LOL! He was all like 'how do you manage high school and your kids?'......

I quickly corrected him...and he then commented that I looked way younger, I thanked him for the flattery, I did not say 'oh thanks for the flattery' lol....

I do not know how to necessarily take that, I mean is it a compliment or a reflection that I do not fress my age, but I think I do so whatever LOL....I am not going to even go there, lol....life is too short to go there ha ha ha!

So let's talk about my week.....

Saturday I met with my friend Elaine (no not Brunke!) and her family, she has two teen boys one 14 and a pain in my A double S! and the other turns 17 the day after me and he is an awesome lil'bro...so about 2pm she picks me up and we hang out and went to Jade Garden for dinner, ugh it is the best chinese I have had in a long time...and the restaurant is family oriented, I mean the owner has his little boy there and there is toys etc, and Diego on the tv, so Raph and Ej loved playing with him even though the little boy did not speak English at all, the little boy who's name was David even sat with us and shared Ej's fries for dinner (yes there was fries lol)...

Then I with the boys stayed the night at Elaine's as I was going with them to Brockville the next day to go to their Church...it was an interesting evening, I mean the pull out couch that Raph and I slept on was not comfy at all, but we slept sort of...Ej slept in with the boys as they had made a fort and were watching Horton Hears a Who....Ej didn't get to sleep until well after 10pm...

The next day we headed off to Brockville and my song came on 'When I see you Smile' by Uncle Sam, a song that I listened to alot in the beginnings of Jay and I...it was nice...

Went to Church, it was different, if you want to know what I mean I can tell you privately through inbox on facebook....after we went out to Dairy Queen for Lunch, the one their has such bad service, the cashier looked zoned out of something, but all in all a good day....

We got home by 3pm, Jay had missed us alot, and the boys glued themselves to their Daddy...

We were all so tired....

Monday I get up and get Elijah and our neighbour's girl out to the Bus and come back in and after a while get Raph to nap and I decided to clean out/move furniture in Ej's room and the living room, probably not wise as my back is not the greatest, but it got done, I also bleached watered the floors behind furniture etc and in Ej's room...it looks much better now, and as Ej said when he went into his room after school 'this is so much better'...I got rid of the crib which was broken, the play pen which was so old, and the 6 year old stroller with car set that the wheels always fell off lol.....and some large stuffed animals that were way too old to keep....

Tuesday came and that is my day with Brenda and the Kids, we went to the Frontenac Mall and got the H1N1 vaccine, and waited 5 hours, the kids did well, Raph slept through 2 hours of it too so that helped...Elijah cried alot but Raph did nto even blink, and Me I did not even know she did it...but I was squeezing April and Sarrahe's hand hard before she even was ready, this says the diabetic who gives herself insulin everyday, the nurse said after I told her that 'well maybe it is because you have control when you give yourself insulin and not here with this' I agreed...

Wednesday I woke up and said I was not going to do much, well well well, I lied to myself, I did 5 loads of laundry and cleaning of the house, 5 loads were mostly comforters etc...but still by the end of that day I did not want to move at all...

Yesterday was a weird slow day, and today I have my Doc appointment that I have waited over a month for, so Dr.Mileva here I come! Perhaps we will get some answers today, and i ahve groceries to get all with Raphael too!

Tomorrow we are having a spaghetti lunch with Mark, Brenda, April and the Kids, and tomorrow night we hope to have quiet time as a family and maybe Wayne and Janet will come for cake after dinner, if nto then then Sunday night....Church Sunday, and it all starts again Monday! YAY ME!

Well I got to go get dressed to get Ej on the bus....toodles...

My Song...

2009-10-24T07:16:00.002-04:00

I am super annoyed today, I woke up that way...

And it is at no one specific, I am annoyed with a ton of people...

And I am quickly realizing I need to place boundaries up with some of them, because they do not see them at all in certain circumstances...

I went to bed at 10pm last night which that lately is early for me...

My body was in shut down mode and I went...

I have been really busy lately and my whole body hurt last night, like ached all over...

And my insulin is giving me headaches and ugh...ya...

My Doc appointment did not happen because the office called me and asked to reschedule because my Doctor was out sick, she asked me if I minded and I said well I have waited over a month what is another week really?....

So Friday I have an appointment.....hopefully...

Yesterday I went to Walmart early with the boys and early I mean we got there at 7:30am...

Elijah had been up in the night talking about a sore tummy and in the cab on the way I thought he was going to get sick, but he didn't, well not until after an hour and a half later and after McDonalds breakfast...he looked at me all white and said Mommy I don't feel good, and we ran and he threw up in front of the washroom..so....ya it was a bit ewwww, he finished up in the washroom and I cleaned him up and then he asked for me to buy him a toy which in turn I knew he must of been feeling immediately better LOL!

I have to say I am all done Christmas Shopping for my boys...I just have to get stocking stuffers and frames for family gifts and wrapping paper/bows/tags and that is that!

Jayson's birthday is next Saturday then mine is the following Tuesday, can anyone say DQ Cake? LOL!

Toodles!

2009-10-21T06:20:00.003-04:00

Is it really true that God really only gives us what we can handle?

If that is indeed true, and I think it is...than he must have alot of faith in me to handle what I am handling......

And yes I know to myself it might seem like alot and others may disagree, but I feel like it is alot, and at times feel suffocated by it all...

Does it make sense also when I say I am happy with my life, in terms of being in love and loving my kids, I do....I think I just was not prepared at first that I would be main caregiver of everyone....

Even to some of my friends even...

I mean I think people forget that I need someone to care about me too...

I could go into that whole saying "if you cut me do I not bleed?..." but I will spare you LOL!

I just think people forget that I exist...

*shrugs shoulders.....oh well...

Here is a new fav song of mine...

2009-10-20T12:18:00.002-04:00

Today did not start out very nicely...

I took Raphael via stroller and Elijah to the store to take some cash out of the ATM and get some things before April and Sarrahe were to arrive, Sarrahe was coming over for me to watch while Mark and Brenda took Elijah-James to Sick Kids in Toronto and while April was at her job for a few hours...

While in the store I dealt with Elijah complaining and asking for things, and in particular for a small bag of hickory Sticks, in turn to which I said no because we had that type of munchies in the house already, I then asked if there were two more then Raphael and Sarrahe could have some too then, he said no then I said then put ti back and you guys can have the munchies at home then....he did not like this at all......then came the whining and name calling....

I held my composure, and finally got to the cash and decided, okay even if he has been bad I will get the three kids some lolipops anyway...I paid for the stuff and when I went to put my wallet back in the puch hanging on the umbrella stroller I heard a crunching of a chip bag...........

Yes Elijah attempted to STEAL, SHOPLIFT! UGH!
I immediately grabbed it out, then ran after him as he ran from me and hid and dragged him to the owner (whom I know really well) and made him apologize, and we left...

I was so upset, so ashamed, so dissapointed, I explained sternly on the way hom why it was so wrong, and told him firmly he was to march right to his room when we got home, which he did....

I in tears (I cry when I am mad) told Jay what happened and Jayson got the Bible and went in to talk to Elijah and show him the scriptures and commandments and explain to him why it is wrong etc, and Elijah remained silent for the whole thing, and afterwards stayed in his room on his own accord, when he finally came out I had calmed down and we prayed that he hold no shame anymore because he repented, and we all hugged and it was over....

I think after all that he learned his lesson, and I pray that it was enough to scare him into never thinking about doing it again....

It got me down because it all branched from him and his lack of respect for me and his lack of listening to me.......it is frustrating, because he is such a good kid, this non-listening thing of me is his only downfall....he is so affectionate and smart....I was just so blown away he would even consider trying to steal....he knows right from wrong....ugh....

But it is over now.....

Sarrahe and Raphael are sleeping, and now so is Jayson...

Elijah is watching his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie....

I am here, tired, but here, my Doc appointment is tomorrow YAY ME!
I will update when I know more...

2009-10-19T17:08:00.001-04:00

I saw this old cartoon on The Happy Feet DvD....

It has a good message I think we forget sometimes....

Enjoy...

2009-10-18T15:31:00.004-04:00

He's not a baby in a manger anymore,
He's not a broken man on a cross,
He didn't stay in the grave,
And He's not staying in Heaven forever!

I think this post in itself is self-explanatory!

People walking around with their fingers in the their ears
Singing, "Da da da da da I don't want to hear the sound of the coming King"...

2009-10-17T20:48:00.002-04:00

Tonight I sit here with attitude, and it is not a positive one...

I have been having a few arguments with myself and God...

Tired of being a feeding ground........

I am in serious need of refreshing things!

Jo you know what I am meaning!

Feelng the hands over my screaming mouth and I want to bite them I am so mad, because inevitably those hands are mine!

I am the one that allows what happens to me lately, I have forgotten to stand up and stand firm!

And I am P'Oed!

I allowed my mind to be clouded, the blinders were set upon me and virtually I was walking blind, and I was the cause, I was the allower of the restraints, the opener of the gate to be fed upon!

Well no More!

No more Autopilot for me, back to steering again, of course with God's guidance...

So here, a song to best put out my mood...

My favorite Lines:

"If God is a Dj, Life is a dance floor, Love is the rhythm, you are the MUSIC!"...

2009-10-11T15:03:00.008-04:00

I am fooling no one..really no one, not one bloody person...

And I am being sucked in, so deep, and the hands around my neck stop me from calling out...

At the single moment I think I have gone miles away from what was, I glance back and it is right behind me...

I am trapped within myself...make sense?

I am self-destructing, and yet I look intact...

I miss what was, and the was was so peaceful, beautiful, and refreshing...

The clatter of dishes around me after a 'family' meal, people now become blurs around me...

They have not got a single clue...

And if I dared show my 'wounds', the 'blood', the 'rawness' of me, they would turn and walk away...

I am loosing myself once again...I am in that dark place again, and I am trying to even fool myself that I am not really there again...

My spirit sobs for me even...I do not want to be here.......

Just typing this, makes my throat swell, the pain is huge, and sometimes so much I can not even speak...

I avoid the mirror, just so I do not have to look myself in the face, because my eyes, my face, my expressions hold the truth that I want and must avoid if I am to survive again...

The calmness around me, externally disguises the chaos I hold within, and I am having trouble containing the storm within...

I am trying to focus my eyes upon the cross, but I am so tired, so tired...my eyes are weak, and strength is diminishing...

I love all my friends, and their children, I love, and at the same time feel all of this within myself...

I try and be there for anyone, I have this thing in my heart to give, and trust me people take...

But.......I am so sad sometimes....it is happening again....no one sees...no one hears......

I am screaming and yet my mouth is closed...

"That I would be good even if I lost sanity..."

2009-10-08T08:04:00.002-04:00

I am a little annoyed this Morning so forgive me...

I am excited Elijah is embarking on his First Fundraiser and I already warned him that with these things some people are not supportive and can tend to be mean when asked to give up something like money LOL...I am talking mostly about door to door asking as well...

I like this one because ya it is Magazine Subscribing but every 10.00 on each one goes to his School for literacy, and that makes me happy...I have always been a supporter of literacy and this makes me super happy that his school and he will benefit from it!

We also got his pic poses to choose from, a 30.00 package is the most expensive which is not bad at all!

It will be about 40.00 though because I am going to get extra wallets for people!

Today the boys and I head out to Walmart to get new winter boots and a few fries LOL!
Must also get green beans for green bean casserole on Saturday and some more beverages!

We are going shortly that way we will be back for Raphael's nap and perhaps Mommy will nap too? Who knows!??

Well I am off...toodles!

2009-10-07T07:37:00.004-04:00

Although one major stress has left, and I pray for forever for that....and then some!

I have another, but I am not going to entirely divulge you all here, because and I can not believe I am saying it, I am letting fear in a little with admitting it to all...

In time God will give me strength to I am sure...

Just Pray that at night my mind be cleansed, and ya...

I have found myself running ragged lately, tired, and it is not doing my system well...

I have well it was a head cold, but now a chest cold as well...

Bring on the fluids!

I just find that lately my week fills up with things and the accelerator is hit and I am holding on for dear life...

This weekend I have a thanksgiving dinner to make, and possibly a birthday party to go to...

I was going to have another dinner but that has fizzled out now...

Plus Church you know...

Tonight I have the lovely April over to celebrate her Birthday 2 days early, she works on her actual Birthday...

We will have Cran/Onion Chicken Breasts, Rice a Roni, and some sort of veg...

And I will make her Dutch Apple Tarts for dessert!

Thursday is nothing Thank God! Friday I may be joining the Windatt's for Corn Maze fun Night at Wolfe Island! But if weather is still yucky no way!

Saturday is the dinner at noon none the less, and the party in the evening, I said I was not going, but I may it depends when my company leaves and how my boys feel as well...

Pray that is all I can say...
:)

2009-10-05T09:27:00.003-04:00

I am sick...my head feels like it is going to explode...

My sinuses and everything ya...

Just now the person I was referring to in the previous post called me from their work to see how I am doing, I thought that was sweet...

They asked me how I slept, and I slept okay, I mean better than I have lately...

Here's to hoping I can get an appointment with my Doc soon, and that my friend brings my coat, my only coat to me today because I need it tomorrow, and since I am feeling ill ya!

I am going to use the quiet moments today to reflect...

Blessings.

2009-10-04T20:42:00.003-04:00

I am here...

The Letter was delivered, and immediately responded to...

That person read it, and came right to my front door...

I was not expecting that at all...

But as this person said, they loved me so much they wanted to resolve this issue right away and reaffirm their love for me....

It was quite an emotional visit, flowing tears, flowing love, and the type of love that is unconditional, and I realized the enemy was using all my insecurities against me, and at some points playing me like a fiddle...

I feel like a large, gigantic weight has been lifted, I felt lighter, and all round calmer and just a good feeling inside...the sadness was gone quickly....

At the end the person hugged me tightly, and you could feel the love greatly...

I was right all along, about that person I mean, and how that person felt for me...

The enemy wants to divide, and almost succeeded in this situation, but I stood up and fought, and we had victory, it was awesome!

2009-10-01T16:03:00.002-04:00

I wrote the letter, it took a very focused hour...

It was not easy what so ever, probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to write...

It gets given Sunday, ugh....my nerves my stomach...

I am going to be 28 in about a month, and sometimes to be honest I still feel like that insecure little girl, afraid, feeling unloved, crying out, yet feeling no one can hear me...

I hope he hears me...I need him...

The following song, when I heard it, God Blessed me with a message, and I hold that message dear to me....

2009-09-30T10:18:00.001-04:00

I have to start a letter today...

UGH!

I will update later...

Pray...

2009-09-27T15:27:00.004-04:00

I think when I woke up and saw the rain I should of known today would not be a good day, I should of rolled over and stayed there until it passed over...

Ya that is how Church was for me...

The one person I need right now, absolutely need, is not there, and today I felt like he looked right through me, and it was a razor sharp slap in the face, and i found myself as they started communion loose it finally as I was sitting at the very back of the church, often I sit up front...

Maybe we can call it God's timing, but I lost it, I sat with my head in between my arms folded and sobbed and sobbed, and the pain was overwhelming, almost suffocating...

My friends took the kids up for me, and I stayed back in my arms, not wanting anyone to see me or that I was being 'emotional', and I know it is okay to be emotional, but I do not like to cry in front of people...

It was like I had been holding it all in for so long that that one moment pricked the proverbial bubble and I could not longer control it...

Then Coffee hour came, and he abruptly and quickly came over to me, and gave excuses for his absence and then he was gone again, and did not come near us after that because 'they' were with me...And two dear friends came up to me, 'ambush' lol, and asked me if I was okay, and I just burst into tears and fled to the ladies room where I had to regroup and numb myself, I felt suffocated with the hurt inside, it was hard, but Queen Numb I can be and I was...

And after 3 weeks of not seeing us that was that, and he left without so much as a wave....

I am writing the letter for sure now, taking a week to do it because I need time to do it and thik about it, and hopefully he will see what he is doing, that is what I pray...

I hope it all goes well...

I long for the days of yesterday...

2009-09-27T07:53:00.002-04:00

I woke up at 7:30am today, and my mood, although the previous day was awesome, matched the weather outside, and it is raining, so ya...

I am beginning to think I have been maybe in denial about something...

Ya I know, for me to even admit that is somewhat shocking...

But my putting my kids first is what is holding me back from going 'somewhere' and talking about me...

I mean I see nothing wrong with going, it is just the getting there for me...

But I am thinking I have to soon or I will or could loose myself...

I just don't want to claim the 'label' that may be cast upon me if I give in and finally go...

ugh!

Today I go to Church, and don't want to because there are people there I want to avoid, and the people I am going with well, let's just say I feel torn between them, I have talked about this before....and I have not seen the other people in like 3 weeks, and the people who are taking me well probably expect me to sit with them, but ugh! I hate this...

And both groups do not see my pain in all this, and that I indeed need someone right now, and none of them are hearing my 'screams'...

It is all frustrating...

Jo called last week, and for once in a long time (please no one take offense) it felt easy to talk to someone, but again that is our friendship, and it felt for once that I was being helped, and I have not felt like that since Jo has been gone, and that was the first time I heard her voice since she left as well, she got to talk to Raphael and ya it made her a little emotional, but it would anyone Jo! he even called her Aunteeez and Jo Jo...it was sweet, it was a lovely ray of sunshine last week in the midst of what I call 'happy chaos', as it was indeed Birthday week here for the boys!

I will update later about Church etc today...

Be Blessed!

When the Stars Go Blue...

2009-09-24T15:22:00.005-04:00

Today is Elijah's 5th Birthday...

And every time I look at him, the previous years events from his birth run past my mind...

I see him as he is but I get flashes back of him as an infant, a toddler, etc etc...

He changed my life...

He is so intelligent, so articulate with words, so affectionate, so grown up, and yet there are tiny moments when he needs his Mummy sometimes, those moments I hang on to and savor and soak in each second, because he swiftly gets independent again and off he runs out of my arms...

It is heart crunching to think one day he will run and not return to me, because he will one day be a Man and be living his own life!

I took him to 'Birthday Lunch' a new tradition I started this year, and out of no where as he was munching down on his french fries and slurping his chocolate milk, he says 'Mummy thank you for taking me out to this Birthday Lunch!'....he blew me away, usually a thank you has to be prompted as a reminder to use his manners, but he did it all on his own, which spoke volumes to me, meaning he was so appreciative for my taking him out, for my taking the effort to make his day special!

Tonight we go to the Open House at the School with Miss April and have Pizza and there is also a Book Fair as well, can we say Ca-CHING! Mummy's wallet will be in use this evening, but I was prepared for it LOL!

I remember the one nurse I had, I was holding Elijah in the first evening I was there, and I was alone finally all visitors had left, and she came in to check on me, and she said something that only made sense to me recently, 'don't blink, or you will miss everything, cherish the quiet moments, because they go so fast'....

It all makes sense, as it feels to me like I literally blinked and now he is 5!

Just about 20 minutes old...

About 3 months ago!

My oh my what a 'Blink' it has been...

2009-09-20T07:46:00.003-04:00

The party was amazing, I found some moments almost breathe taking...I mean to see my Son Elijah have his moment, just where it was all about him, made me gasp with such happiness...

I almost cried on several moments, tears of joy of course...

His facial expressions were enough for me, and the people who came, and the people who did not come but I know love him dearly, I was overwhelmed for him at that point of thought, he really does not know how many people love him, and how they are literally scattered across the world...

I felt Jo's prayers yesterday, I felt them Jo, and your warm hug as I stood there watching the kids play in delight...

I have a ton of pictures to upload and will get to them soon, I will probably make a video montage or just uload them into facebook....

Our main Computer is not working as I am on my dino one, so we have to go make picture cd in order to upload them onto this one....

But pictures will come...

Prayer Request

2009-09-19T12:49:00.002-04:00

My back has not been so great....it has no caused an issue that frightens me...

My toes have now become numb (left foot), and just now I had my hand on my left calf and have some numbing sensations, not totally but a little...

I have incredible faith, but I am also human and I have flesh on my bones, and emotions along with all that...

I am thinking I need to go in to see my Doc and talk about it, today we go to Elijah's Playtium Party, and I will do my best to not be 'read', meaning basically put on a front, well half of one, because I will be so happy for Elijah!

I have a friend who is going through what us Christians call a 'Storm', and I told her this quote I tell all my friends, and now I am telling myself :

'It is not about waiting for the Storm to Pass,
But Learning to Dance in the Rain!'

And I add to that, 'even when your leg is partly numb, dance away Child of Jehovah God!'

Please Pray for me, it would be so appreciated....

I am missing certain people out there, abroad, across the world even, people that in this time of worry for me, the site of her smiling face would be calming...

Be Blessed all...

2009-09-16T14:37:00.003-04:00

Here I am, another day, tomorrow is Raphael's Birthday!

He will be 2!

I can not believe it...I mean time just flowed on by...

My boys are growing up so fast, I try to slow time, but whether I want it or not the earth keeps on spinning and time goes by and today turns into yesterday and then last week, to last year, to once upon a time long long ago....

I am starting to really truly get it why parents, especially Mothers cry so much when their child gets married...

If I had to pick a theme for this month, it would be 'Proud'...

My kids make me laugh, and they completely surprise me each day...

Elijah has become this little man, so independent, so strong, and it feels at times like he does not need me anymore, but I know that is not entirely true, there are moments, when no one is looking when he cuddles with me and we snuggle up and I drink that all in and savor every second of it, because he flips on a dime and does not want me to "baby" him...

~Change of Subject~

I am done half my Christmas shopping for my kids! Crazy I know, but I saw some things on sale and ya I had to get them, put them in my closet and ya probably forget about them for a bit...

I attend my first Parent Council Meeting tonight at the School, I am happy to join and I do want to be a part of what is what at the School when it comes to my Son so ya...

Just ate some lovely Raspberries, mmmmmmmmm, Elijah comes home in an hour...

I must go have some quiet time before that...ta ta...

2009-09-15T07:50:00.003-04:00

I am being slammed...

Someone has slammed their foot down upon mine on this accelerator and I have no choice...

It is called Life apparently...

It all makes me feel a little dizzy, a bit panicked, and a smidge overwhelmed...

But I am okay...I mean I hate change, but as long as the phrase 'I'm Proud' comes from me in the process, then I know all is well...

And I am so proud of my boys...and proud of the decisions I have made thus far...

Raphael's 2nd Birthday is this Thursday....all I can say is WOW...

Time goes by so fast...and the following Thursday is Elijah's 5th! WOW!

All I can say at this moment in my life.......................

My Cup Overfloweth!

2009-09-11T07:36:00.002-04:00

I survived the First Day of School!

* clap clap clap*

When the Bus came all parents hung back and the kids boarded, well all of course me, I was the only adult holding Elijah's hand in the line up of kids, and he had the attitude of 'see ya Mom, go away'....so today I will not do that to him again, as he said 'you embarrassed me Mommy'.....

After the line up thing, he bolted onto the Bus not giving me a chance to kiss him, oh well, and then he left and I cried for a little bit, tears of proudness mind you...

When I got him off the Bus that evening, he refused to tell me anything about his Day, only little snippets of things, but nothing really....

In 6 days my youngest turns 2~!
And 13 days Elijah turns 5~!

In one week is his Birthday party at the Playtium!!!

I am excited and nervous, because I have a few things planned that I have to get done!

Today after I get Elijah on the Bus I am going to get a haircut! A much needed one, and then tonight I have to dye my hair, yes I dye my hair, pretty much close to my normal, but it warms it up a bit and makes it more reddish, the way I like it...

I got new clothes the other day, I had not bought any in about 2-3 years so I was due!

I had help from April, she gave me clear honest opinions so I did well, I have had friends in the past not be honest and ya....

Well, off I go...another day....another dollar....another kid to go off to school!

2009-09-08T08:35:00.003-04:00

Well the day is almost here, Elijah starts School officially tomorrow...

I do not know who is more nervous, me or him?

The last two nights he has been difficult when it comes to putting him to bed, and the last week he has acted out more and more each day as the day comes closer...

My only prayer is that he does not cry when I put him on the bus...and that I do not cry too much after he goes...

On Orientation he made a friend named Joey, so hopefully he will find his friend when he gets there and play with him in the playground before School starts...

I think once he gets there he will be fine, it is the getting there that worries me...

I got to label his backpack, fill out bus card to place inside, and later tonight make his lunch for tomorrow, and label his lunch bag...

It all is very overwhelming...it feels like yesterday I was that new Mom in the hospital that did not have a clue, holding him for the first time in my arms, kissing his forehead for the first time, especially after everything him and I endured in that hellish inducing and tehn emergency c-section and almost losing both or one of our lives.....and now he is about to turn 5 years old, and start Senior Kindergarten!

I guess this is the start of a new chapter.....and with all books I am looking forward to seeing what unfolds in this next chapter!

Please keep us in your Prayers!

I will post tomorrow Morning after he goes to fill all of you in!

"I can hear the rhythm of the Lion of the tribe of Judah..."

2009-09-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

I discovered this Video when I was looking for another song to listen to, it is safe to say that the Lord had something else in mind for me to hear! I immediately sent it out to specific people and they're reactions were basically 'wow!'.........

People walking around with their fingers in the their ears
Singing, "Da da da da da I don't want to hear the sound of the coming King"

2009-09-06T07:24:00.005-04:00

I have made up my mind, in a couple weeks I am going to start the process to get my Phoenix Tattoo!

I have wanted this for a long time, but I am ready for it, the pain lasts a little while but the meaning and the reasons why I want it will be with me forever!

I have been going back and forth for three years about this, but this is my year!

I am not sure if I am getting it on my upper back or my right calf???

The Phoenix for me is rebirth, freedom, a coming out of the ashes symbol, as I have definitely come out of the ashes a few times...especially three years ago....when I made that decision that changed my life for the GOOD forever, and I finally started to transform into the Woman God wants me to be!

If my parents were in the picture I am definite that they would be very upset, but they're not, and that was also another thing, was I wanting this because for so long my parents (if you can call them that) did not want me to have it, and the answer is no, I am getting it now to signify all that I have overcome in my life...and it was alot, and is still alot...

I am excited and scared all at the same time...

I have decided it is going to be a cross of two different images, plus of course the artists stuff:

I want it to look feminine, not hard like I have seen them done before...

It is exciting!!!

2009-09-02T07:38:00.002-04:00

I can not believe it is September already...

Today, well this Morning I take Elijah in for his Orientation, it is about an hour...

The funny thing is that Elijah thinks it is actual School today, I keep telling him no it is next Wednesday Elijah...

I got Elijah's Birthday Party booked, he is turning 5 so it is a bit of a big deal in our home...

He is having it at the Playtrium, and he is really excited...

I just have to get out there and drop off the deposit, ugh, stressful but doable...

Some people do not realize that pretty much from September to December for my family is like we are put on a roller coaster, we get so busy, with Birthdays, and School Shopping, and Christmas things well and Thanksgiving things before that...and before we know it, it is the new Year again LOL!

I am going to try not to think about that ugh, sometimes I can be a procrastinator....atleast with my thinking LOL!

Thinking about getting my tattoo finally...not sure though...I know I want it, I know I can live with it my whole life, but I am scared of the pain LOL!

Anyway, I am off!

"...if this town is just an apple,
then let me take a bite..."

Take My World Apart!

2009-08-31T06:33:00.003-04:00

"...To love you - take my world apart,
To need you - I am on my knees ,
To love you - take my world apart,
To need you - broken on my knees..."

This Morning was a 'sobering' moment for me...

I had a sense of Clarity unlike any other time before...

It was refreshing, and calming almost...

Everything I do in my life is to be more Christ Like...

I am driven by the Holy Spirit and Comforted by the Father in Heaven...And Jesus, the Son made the ultimate sacrifice for me, even if I was the only one, or you were he would of still done it....that I already knew, but a feeling washed over me this morning...

It was awesome!

2009-08-29T09:14:00.003-04:00

I am feeling it is time for me to write a letter to the one group of people that I referred to in a recent post...

I am scared to, emotional about it as well...

But a face to face I think would not go over so well with him...

Plus when I am mad I tend to cry and I am often unable to get my feelings out properly...

With writing I seem to get it all down the way I need it to be, and with God's help...

I am also feeling the need to pray alot before my pen touches the paper...

I have this fear if I tell him how I am feeling he will 'drop me'...and another part of me says if he does that so be it, he was not worth it anyways...

I care and love both groups of people so much...I am sitting here in tears because being in the middle of all this is draining and it all hurts so much...

It has now gotten so bad Elijah is asking why this person hates the other person, and he goes ion to tell me that he loves them so they should love each other, out of the mouth of babes right!

I hate any form of confrontation, not that my writing a letter will be, but I can not live like this anymore.......I should come home from Church feeling uplifted not sad and depressed because of both groups of people bad mouthing each other to me...etc etc...

Please Pray...

The previous post where I talked about this more is dated August 16th, 2009.

2009-08-28T07:45:00.002-04:00

Life is good...

Life at times is also not so good...

And then there is the in between limbo that I have found myself in this morning...

I am happy, that never changes, and I love my kids and Jay...

But sometimes in the stillness of morning, I just want to remain under the covers and skip a whole day of my life, a sort of 'let's say I was there but I wasn't'...

Sometimes I find myself with that 'it's not fair!' mentality...

I am going to be 28 and I have that mentality at times, geesh!

Sometimes I wish teleportation was real (yes my husband watches too much Star trek around me)....

I could teleport right to Jo's Home and her and I could have one of our heart to hearts on her couch like we have had so many times before...

E-mails just don't cut it, you know for that whole emotional support/facial expressions etc etc...

But it is ok at the same time, because e-mails are ok....I know when she comes back, although not for a long time we will have a couch heart to heart and it will seem like no time has gone by at all...

It is just that time in between......the waiting...

Like I said in a previous post, I am so thankful for how God has strengthened me...

2009-08-26T07:12:00.003-04:00

This Morning I was reminded of everything that was stolen from me...

I was reminded of all the lies encrusted into my soul while growing up...

Reminded of all what was missing....

And reminded that I still allow others to steal from me...

I was also reminded of the promise I made myself...

Never to repeat what my parents (if you can call them that) did to me....

I am also reminded of how strong God has made me...

And that my 'parents' never really knew me at all, and they chose not to......

I am so thankful for all the beauty I have seen there after, and am reminded that I would of missed out on all those beautiful things had I not stepped up and out in Faith!

2009-08-23T06:40:00.003-04:00

I am trying to hold on for dear life, but time keeps moving on with or without me...

Elijah is almost 5 and wow...what a boy he is, such an imagination, such an intelligent kid...

And affectionate to all...

He takes a big step in under two weeks, Senior Kindergarten!

He is all for it, wanting to go now, I want to almost hold him in my arms and never let him go, I want that little baby back sometimes....

Kids really grow up fast...He is already at the point where he does not want me kissing him in public LOL!

Well I got all his stuff he needs for school, just waiting on the Bus Info....I left a message at the TriBoard office, no one returned it, so hopefully it comes this week in the mail...

I just can't get it out of my mind that one day I will look up and Elijah will be a Man before me...

I however am so proud of him, and I do cherish every moment with him, and Raphael...

I am truly Blessed...

Landslide...

2009-08-22T07:08:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was a busy day for me, it felt like a Landslide hit me, all things crashing down, and loads of realizations hit me at once as well...

I am beginning to love my ritual of sitting here every morning, in the midst of the calmness in my home, fingers gracing this keyboard as all my thought unload upon this screen....it is my therapeutic way of releasing all anguishes, and just unloading in order to carry on for the rest of the day....

'on a pillow of blue bonnets, and a blanket made of stars...'
'i want to look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall...'

I love those verses from the song 'Cowboy Take Me Away' by the Dixie Chicks....

I think growing up in the country did me some good, it helped me respect God's beauty, his amazing nature, a roughing it girl I am not quite sure I voluntarily would ever be, but I would never hold my kids back from embracing the wonders the country can bring, I will go on camping trips with them, and I have and can enjoy the wilderness, but I like the city far better, but a canoe ride down a beautiful lake, or watching the sunset on am island cliff while Loons call I would love and those would be moments I would forever engrave in my mind, moments that took my breathe away.....

If you ask Jayson if I am a roughing it outdoors girl I am pretty sure he would tell you the same thing about me...

The City has alot to offer, so many awesome cultures joined together, different things to see, different events going on, the square downtown and the different street performers who visit, sometimes you can see a bit of God's naturalness (wilderness) in different nooks in the city....That is the awesome combination's I love and enjoy...

'i wanna touch the earth,
i wanna break it in my hands,
i wanna grow something wild and unruly...'

But in saying all this the above verse does describe me in alot of ways...

The Landslide that hit me yesterday was good for me....I am so thankful...

2009-08-20T06:20:00.002-04:00

Do you ever witness something so profound, so moving, it leaves you still and nothing else is moving around you, you hear no noise, it is silent and still and all that is, is this moment, this profound experience?....

I have felt that way a few times...

Have you ever been so sad that it is beyond tears, you just sit there, and no tears flow, but you are in such anguish, sitting there, staring into the void, so sad you can not even muster up a tear or sound from your body...

I have...

You ever wonder what if? Or wonder if you made a decision a little differently where would you be now?...Have you ever thought okay I am one way but secretly in my heart I know I am this whole other person that is so very different than what people see, the desires, the wants, the likes, dislikes are all different?

Sometimes I feel that way...

Do you ever escape in your mind when you hear a particular song and go far away from where you currently are?

I do sometimes, most mornings really, when I sit here listening to music...

Does all this make me a liar? or that I am living a lie?

I don't think so..I think it is okay to dream and to think of what if or what could be, that is the point to turn the what if's in to what could be's......

But in saying all this I have no regrets at all about my choices...

Make sense?
I am sure I don't to some of you...but I get it...

2009-08-19T06:02:00.002-04:00

I am still feeling the way I was a few days ago...but my heart is not as heavy about it all anymore, and that is a good thing! Nothing was said by either party at Church, perhaps that was God's grace for me, he knew my heart just could not take anything more that morning....who knows...

I care so much for each group of people, and think the one group is being ridiculous about the past, maybe it is just that I have a more open heart than they and always see the good in people and give them a chance???

I really do not think they know how their actions and words about one another to me hurts me, and that each time it is like a razor cut to my heart, and most times I do not do well with that type of pain, I am a fixer, and I want people I love to love one another, perhaps unrealistic but it is the desire of my heart...

Anyway, change of focus...

Last night was bloody hot, even with my a/c...Elijah and I slept int he living room, he of course thought it was cool cause it was like a camp out, but I did not sleep well...

Tomorrow groceries, Friday the Windatt's, and Saturday we are going to Saunders Farm with the Windatt's! Check it out online, it is a cool place!

I leave you with this 'Sod off' to the World type of song...Most who know me know why I choose this song!

2009-08-16T07:41:00.002-04:00

Okay here I am water in hand and back at it another day...

I have a situation I need advice on...

I have this friend and no one likes her, well to be fair people like her but not these two very important people in my life (no not Jayson, he likes her)...anyway these two important people have had a run in with her a long time ago, and still hold it against her, and I find myself torn in a sense because when we are all together at Church I feel like I have to choose sides or areas etc...

I get so frustrated after being at Church because those two important people put her down and on occasion 'she' puts them down to me and here I am in the middle...My heart breaks because 'she' has in my opinion changed, not that I knew her then, and she has been there for me lately more than these two important people...

I should not be coming home from Church every Sunday wanting to lay in my bed and cry...It hurts my heart when either group says something negative about the other, and while one group does not let go of the past the other I have caught in a few lies about the other group (confusing I know)...and I feel like both groups want me to choose, although none has really said anything of the sort....

I am in a predicament......

I have so much going on my life I mean I really do not think these two groups of people that I care about understand, and that this all is stressing me out and causing an emotional stir within me that I rather not feel...

Everyday I wake up and have alot that lays on my shoulders , I mean I am not complaining, it is my family and I will do anything for all my boys(yes referring to Jayson as boy LOL), and having extra added stress does not make anything easier..obviously...

I am feeling a leading from God telling me to start to stand up for the people I love, meaning when either Group speaks negatively about the other, no matter how much I hate conflict I am going to have to voice my frustration and how it hurts me when they speak that way....And if both groups do really truly care about me, they will not begrudge me for it...but if one does, better I know now before too much gets invested...

To some of you these groups of people may be obvious to you, I mean their identity, but please respect my choice to not reveal them on here, And no the 'her' is not you April LOL......

It just makes me want to cry, and makes me not want to go to Church....but I will LOL...

Hopefully today is better then alot of Sundays of yesterday....

'The Shadows of your past are holding your Future Hostage!'

2009-08-14T07:53:00.002-04:00

Most mornings I begin with a cold bottle water, and I sit here at the computer listening to music and checking e-mails, and writing.......

Growing up (I have just realized this) I realize I was not really loved by my parents, not the proper way atleast....I remember spending alot of time in my room praying to be taken away from such a place....feeling sad, wondering what was wrong with me? was I a mistake? and no child should ever feel that way...

I am currently listening to 'Dance with my Father' by Luther Vandross....the love in that song, was never present in my upbringing...but it is ok, I am actually not that upset, because God has provided me with a Christian Family that loves me deeply...and I have always vowed to enver have my kids feel that way ever...

Different Songs affect me in different ways, songs I heard at a paticular time in my life, when I hear them again, I go back to that moment, those feelings, and I just read about a new song my gal April likes now after hearing it with her sister, 'Unwritten' by Natasha Beddingfield...

When my best friend Jo first ever left for Austrailia this song I heard shortly after and it was an awakening for me, I remember the e-mail I sent her, I was bursting with revelations about myself, then I had realized that my life is a book, and each page is currently being written, and the dirty windows of my past can be cleaned....April reminded me of that day, and I really needed it today...to be reminded of those feelings, and revelations.....

So thank you my lovely April!!!

(was gone just got off the phone with her actually LOL!)

Well, I am having a good day, moving forward, not looking back, it only can get better from here as I always say!

Hugs to April and Jo!

2009-08-10T06:57:00.003-04:00

This morning I sit here at my desk, nightgown and all, a pillow behind my back due to the fact that I injured it this weekend, but no worries I enjoyed my Ribfest even with this horrid pain!

Bloomin' Onion and all mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it was good...

I love BBQ, and the pulled prok sandwich, coleslaw, and homemade baked beans were lovely, and the onion well that was the 'cherry' on the top!

The entertainment was ok, they had a Miley Cyrus look a like/singer and she actually looked and sounded like the real thing, then they had a Hilary Duff person and well she was horrid, and ya!

The boys had a great time as well....

But I am home now, nothing like your own bed....

Tonight is Elijah's last Soccer night.....I am still going even if my back protests!

Jayson's Computer is biting the dust for now, we are awaiting a disc being sent by the company to fis it but we will see, we may have to shell out some money! Until then Media Center will not be recording any of my shows so I am on the ball making sure I watch them lol! Usually I would go to bed early and tape them LOL! But well I am living a little wild now and staying up to watch them ha ha ha...

Listening to 'Come what May', it was the last song played at my Wedding, and I love it, and it always makes me smile and remember that awesome day!

Ugh I hate when my back is like this it means my house will be a little desheveled, wish my pills would work, might have to go back to my Doc and tell her that they are not even touching the pain.....annoying!

Pictures to come soon from out Weekend at Ribfest!!!

True Surrender!

2009-08-06T17:13:00.003-04:00

3 years ago tomorrow.........

I made the best decision of my life, and it was a true waking up experience for me!

A true surrender to God happened, I trusted him, and through such horrible pain he was there!

This day I celebrate and mourn all at once, is that really possible?

All I know is I am a better person for it all, and happier!

I am blessed! I lost, but gained a huge Christian Family!

Glory to God!

True Surrender.......

Life goes on and on and on...

2009-08-05T07:27:00.003-04:00

I can not believe it is August already!

Just 26 days roughly and Elijah will be starting school....oh my oh my...

My little boy is growing up!

I have alot to get done this month, school shopping you know...

He has requested a Spiderman Backback and lunch box, so ya I will furfill that LOL!

Also Clothes shopping too!!!

I am suppose to get a package from the school any day now...

I am not sure who is more excited, me or him?!

I woke up and did not want to leave my comfy bed, ugh, I just wanted to sleep alot longer...

Oh those days in College when I would skip a class and sleep in....

LOL...

Those were the days...

Although my health and Jay's is off right now, it is weird but we are so happy at the same time..

Make sense?

I have not been this happy ever in life, or feeling this free!

I have decided I am going to get my tattoo this fall!!!

I just need someone to go with me LOL!

I am terrified but ready, and it is going to be my physical symbol of my found freedom!

So Jo next time we are together I will be marked LOL!

Anyway, today is a good day, a bit tired, but I am FREE!!!

2009-08-01T06:37:00.003-04:00

I left my last post up a while on purpose....

And the 'eyes' that are apparently watching know why!

But as I have been doing, I am moving on from that...I have moved on with my life, taking it at full force and charging forward no matter what type of obstacles come my way...

I have learned to not live in my past anymore, although at times this blog helps me get thoughts/revelations out, it is a good canvas to paint the portrait of my healing on...

This morning I woke up quite early and now as I sit here and after I watched the sun come up I felt overwhelmed with happiness...

Now some of you may think, hmmm but you are going through so much Kelly?

Yes I am, and the darkness from my past is there at the moment, but I have and will prevail, and a wash of thanksgiving came over me, that he gives such peace in the midst of chaos!

One of my favorite songs, and yes I have many, and they are all different genres, is Beauty and the beast, by Celine Dion...

It makes me smile, 'both a little scared...neither one prepared...'
reminds me of Jay and I in a way, although neither of us looks like a beast LOL!

I also realized nothing is ever going to kill my love with Jayson, nothing and NOBODY...
God forged us together, and this fall we celebrate 10 years being best friends, 9 years together!
We have been through so much over those years, a few hard times in there, one losing his Mom, another my claiming my freedom 3 years ago....the best decision I ever made in my life!

God is good to me!

You are Exposed!

2009-07-26T20:45:00.004-04:00

So your watching me are you?

Does it make you feel good to watch what you are missing out on???

And that you are only missing out on because of your own actions?!

All you keep doing is proving my point!

You never made me feel safe, and when I was in danger, you took his side!

I have more clarity about my life now than I ever have!

I am happy, and I am thriving, and with no thanks to you, I am doing it on my own...

I am sad for you, only because you have nothing better to do with your time then stalk/harass me!

Talk about burning your bridges...

I have nothing to hide about me or my life, so read away, you taught me to hide things in earlier years, and now I am not the same person I was before, I have grown, and I am me, not what you were trying to make me be!

I have love in my life, peace, good friends, support, and life is utterly good...

How do you look yourself in the mirror everyday?

I have no regrets, 3 years ago (almost) I made the best decision of my entire life!

Never been happier, and Jayson is amazing throughout it all!

God is good to me, and I love my life now...

It is a shame some have to act so immature...

Be careful where you tread, YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW indeed!

I believe you are already...

Take my advice and walk away, I am not who I once was, and this time I am out to protect my family, not just me, and if you keep this up, all this harassment, I will have no other choice but to take this to the next level...

2009-07-25T07:09:00.003-04:00

How do you say goodbye?

When we shed our 'skin' and we walk away after being made new?

How can something so refreshing and freeing feel so scary at the same time?

Each day I am being shown something new, and each day new layers shed away...

All those years I thought I was that person...

But it was all my own personal illusion...

It was the pain, the suffering, the aftermath, the result of abuse and heartache, that was what was being shown throughout my existence, and most of all fear...

I was hidden away, inside, where I thought my only safety was...

I have always said when you are in darkness for so many years, it is hard to really accept the light, and that that light is now there forever and will not leave you, especially since you have been told nothing good lasts...

So, it is hard to say goodbye to one's illusionated self, but God is ever present and his promise true and loving...

C'mon it's Shedding Season, won't you join me?

Please Watch

2009-07-23T04:54:00.003-04:00

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen......

Missing you Tracey...

Tracey was Jayson's Mother,who for almost 4 years fought with Lung/then brain Cancer...

That journey, by her side was the most painful thing I ever witnessed thus far in my life...

I will never forget her smell, her hugs that were unbelievable, all the words that were spoken in those last moments that I saw her alive...

She was the strongest woman I had ever met in my life, and still is...

I will never forget that night, the phone call I made to Jay as he was with her at her side, telling him to tell her that she would not be forgotten, and that it was okay to go, to not suffer anymore, and that her legacy would carry on, that there would be more grandchildren, not just Elijah, and most importantly I told him to tell her how much we loved her...

Oh God....this is hard to type.....

I just was hit with the reminder that Jayson was with her when she went, and to think how hard that was to watch his Mommy die...even a man with such faith....

20 minutes after I got off the phone with Jay that night and after he whispered all that in her ear, she died...

I never cried so much in my life that night, for me, for Jay, for Tracey, and for my son who was asleep and oblivious to the cruel plague that just took his Grandma away, and it pained me so to have to greet him in the morning and tell him of the loss, the loss of the woman he loved so much...his Grammy...

2009-07-20T08:11:00.004-04:00

Trembling, scared out of my mind I crept up to the door, and it opened, and a bright light shone over me...

His hand stretched out for me, and I hesitated...

Behind me the darkness of what once was still screams at me, those words, those curses...

Their hands are strong as they grip into me...

Tears flow, fear is massive...

The verse from my favorite song comes to my mind (King of Glory by Third Day)

"Who is this King of Glory that persues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me..."

Tears are not controlled anymore, I am overflowing with thanksgiving, that he loves me in spite of all my insecurities, and all my fears...

His hand still stretched out to me...

I reach back and once my hand touches his all darkness fades, and there I am on the floor, laying in his lap and weeping...

Asking myself why did it seem so hard? When really it was easy...

Being told for over 20 years that you were never important, that your needs never mattered, and that you were not worth the time to love....it grates at your spirit, the feelings of being anyone's burden is a haunting reminder of the past, but he does not want me to feel that anymore, he does not want me to carry all that around anymore, it is too heavy, and all it is doing is weighing me down...

The Lord is Good indeed, Indeed the lord is good!

2009-07-19T05:59:00.000-04:00

My Diag-Nonsense!

2009-07-16T20:07:00.006-04:00

Okay I went to the Doctor's this afternoon after a long day at the Wadding Pool...

And the results are in:

-Mild Scoliosis
-Narrowing of the Spine, which I apparently was born with but had no clue?
-OsteoArthiritis
-Bulging Discs that are also Slipped...

Also, after my small car accident Monday evening, it has made it all worse apparently, but she has prescribed me meds....

Here is the clincher...if I am not better in 4-5 months I will need to have Spinal Surgery...

I may have to have Physio but we will see in 2 weeks when she has me go in again to see if I am feeling better, after the accident my pain level has been sky high, so she is worried about that...

I was literally like ya right sure sure, and who is going to take care of Jay and the boys while I am laid up??? And please people do not dish me a load of crap like oh people will help you, cause you all say that and no one ever helps...sorry I am really mad at this whole situation...

I mean really what more can I take, I have a list of issues now to face, and not to mention I am pretty alone in it all...no offence I am just being really real at the moment...

I have just had enough...

And yes I have been crying not just because ya it sucks and it is sad, but I am angry, and just fed up...

Well, I am done...going to watch more Big Brother...

2009-07-16T07:57:00.002-04:00

TodayI go in to get my MRI results, which I am not looking forward to, but since I was in a car accident Monday night my back has been in worse pain than ever, it was not a big accident, a fended bender, and it could of happened to anyone, April had driven us to Soccer, and on the way home bam! She is ok and we are ok, my back was already sore, so it was probably my tensing up and pulling back that did it when we hit the van in front of us, April went forward so I am concerned for her neck, please pray for her....

Anyway, she had said she was soooo sorry on my facebook, but she does not need to be, I am not mad at her at all, I am glad though she is not going to have her cell phone on anymore while driving, because that makes me calmer knowing while she is out and about on her own she is not at that type of a risk, I only have a few close friends and she is one of them LOL, would not want to loose her!!!!!!

Anyway, I still took the boys out yesterday to the wading pool and the park, I was crazy, and in crazy pain but it was good to get out, it was so nice out...

Going out before my Doc appointment today again LOL...

Jayson often says I am like a locomotive I never stop chugga chugga chugga chugga! LOL!

Cleaned out the fridge thoroughly, UGH and Yuck! is all I can say...

Did dishes, cleaned Microwave, and still have a few odds and ends to do before I head out....

Looks like it is going to be a beauty of a day today...

Well I am off to make a potato salad for dinner tonight with our chicken mmmmm!!!

Hoping today goes ok at Doc's ughhh!

2009-07-11T07:02:00.007-04:00

What if you loved someone so much, that person loved you so much, and they were your best friend, the one person who was a beacon of light in your dark upbringing...

Then one day you were called to stand up in that darkness...And fight for freedom...

And as a result in achieving that freedom.....that beacon was taken away from you...

And you know the only way you will ever see them again is after this life fades and you meet up in Heaven...

It hurts like hell...Especially since that beacon is still roaming this planet, would it feel better if she were not?

Because you are so thankful for that beacon, that friendship, but sometimes with one's freedom, those we thought were free as well, like that beacon were not really free at all...

So therefore, you stand alone in this freedom, this unbelievable light and warmth, and at the same time you are so happy and joyful, an ache, a dull ache of sadness and mourning is quaking in your heart and spirit...

All of the above I know too well...

Her face will remain burned into my mind forever, and her warmth forever remembered...

'til we meet again....looking forward to walking on those footsteps to Heaven and meeting you there, and then nothing will ever keep us apart again...

I Love you...I Miss You...

2009-07-09T06:45:00.002-04:00

Here I am...

Again...

Yesterday was busy, went to GT Boutique and got Elijah 3 new summer outfits for under 30$, which was awesome, and he was in need to clothes that fit properly LOL...

I got good deals....

Visited Wayne at Pam's at Elijah's demand, and he gave the boys two snap dragons, one each, and unfortunately we got like a block away and Raphael had destroyed his and Elijah's, so Elijah is now going to tell Uncle Wayne you know...LOL...

Had an appointment to get my long awaited MRI results and I canceled it, avoiding is my nature when it comes to things like that, but I will go next week and no I will not cancel it...

Tonight Big Brother starts!!!

Yes it is the one show I become obsessed with, I even plan my days according to when it is on as well in the Summer....it is sad I know...but I got to have something...

Before I forget I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday...

I was waiting for my taxi and I was standing outside GT and this old woman, must of been in her 80's was standing there, and I had used Jay's cell to call the taxi and she kept starring at me, and finally in a wavering voice asked if I would call her daughter for her, her daughter was to pick her up but she had been standing out there almost an hour, and there are no benches and she was getting awfully tired of waiting...so I dialed and this is how the conversation went on the phone:

Me---Hello Janet?

Her---Yes?

Me---Hi I am here with your Mother Doris...(cut off by her)

Her---Oh No! I completely forgot, I went and got my son from daycare and just came home!

Me---Oh Ok, She has been waiting a long time I suppose here outside GT, and just wanted to know if you were on your way...

Her---Oh my God! Tell her I am coming right now...

Me--- Okay then, no problem...

**I did not tell Doris about ehr daughter's slight temporary case of Alzheimer's!

After that Doris continued to tell me how grateful she was that I helped her, and how not everyone is like that, and I told her simply I would want someone to help me so....

When I left she was still waiting, poor woman, so frail and standing all that time...

Just think if I hadn't been there..how long would it of been for her until she got someone to help her contact her daughter?

Anyway, each day this Summer I am surprised and enlightened in some way...

53 days and counting LOL!